Random Ramblings of a Social Outcast

New Year, New Things

2012-01-08T09:28:00.000-08:00

So here we are: 2012 and the year that many believe will mean the end of the world. I personally believe this to be total bollocks but if in 12 months time the world is a baron wasteland like in the Fallout games then I will happily accept your "I told you so". Anyway I am digressing from an actual post of any substance so I will press on.

It's been over a month since my last post and not much has changed within my life. I still haven't had any luck with a job, I'm still receiving no replies from the jobs I apply for and I'm still spending a fair amount of time on the Xbox. I suppose the only thing of substance or relevancy to have happened since I was last here is my Sister's wedding last month. After about 4/5 years of being together and having a daughter last year my sister and her fiancée finally tied the knot in a small service. Now it wasn't a big service or reception but it was a lovely time with all the family chipping in and helping with things like decorating the reception room, to making cakes, decorations and even making the wedding cake. I didn't get blind drunk like I do at most weddings so actually got to appreciate it properly and had time during the evening to think, which is often a bad thing for me. But it wasn't and gave me time to think about the mistake I could have made with my Ex who had I not left I could still be with and still engaged to, and a chance to think about my girlfriend, how we are and her little boy.

I got to thinking during the night and realised that I couldn't be in a better relationship right now. I am so glad that I pursued her and I have no shame in saying this, but managing to get her to break up with her then boyfriend. I know job wise the situation we are in is far from ideal but on a personal level I wouldn't want to be anywhere or be with anyone else. I love this little family home/situation we have going on here and feel crap every time the Lil' Man has to go to his Dad's even though I know it would be unfair not to let him go. I've always wanted my own kid and honestly thought that I would be the first of my Mum's three children to have a kid but alas I am the last but I don't feel bad about that, knowing that I have a child at home who I care for and love as if he was my own. He may wind me up no end and drive me to the verge of shutting in a dark room when he screams in my ear but I love him all the same and wouldn't change him for the world.

I could so easily have still been in a terrible and unhappy situation, spending my days sinking further and further into depression but I guess you can say that I've had a lucky escape, even if a large part of it was my own doing. I've never told her this but my girlfriend has played a massive part in saving me from my depression and I am fully aware that depression never fully goes away, but I am confident that while we are together depression for me will always remain a part of my past.

Well this was never meant to be a personal blog but I started writing and this is where I stopped. Either way in light of the mention of the wedding, here a picture of me and my nephew from the reception.

That Time Again

2011-11-23T13:40:00.000-08:00

It's November and it seems that updates on this blog are now becoming a monthly event so I figure I better write one before this month is out.

If I'm being totally honest not much has been happening in my life at the moment. I mean I'm still unemployed and handing out CVs seems to be getting me nowhere and I spend a fair amount of time on the Xbox (as usual). The main thing going on at the moment though is 'trying' to Potty train the Girlfriends little boy, trying and failing to some extent. Potty training and changing nappies are the main thing that scare me about having children but I know it needs to be done; it's just so damn stressful. That said we are persevering and will get him Potty trained, one way or the other.

The only other thing to happen was today I found a website with a list of all my tweets from my old account and it was an eye opener to say the least. Reading back some of my tweets inevitably brought back some memories that I had since buried away; memories that I no longer wanted anymore, and will no doubt forget about again in a day or two. They made me realise that I managed to let myself get to attached to people online way to easily/quickly, and made me realise what an utter twat I was at times. They also made me think about all the people I used to talk to and no longer talk to now thanks to me messing things up or, in one case, because they weren't who they said they were. It's fair to say that I let people mess me about and forgive people way to easily because thinking about it now, I would still talk to many of them again if I had anyway of contacting them. Sometimes though it is best to leave things how they are, accept the non-talking state and know that even though you want to do it, actually doing it will only result in more trouble and more pain.

I will leave you with one last thing: If you have someone who is always there for you, will always talk to you and listen to you even if you don't tell them anything, don't mess it up and more importantly don't let them go.

Skyrim & Other Important Things

2011-10-28T13:08:00.000-07:00

Rather unprofessionally I haven't blogged in well over a month & there are sufficient reasons for this, mainly being that I haven't had time & not felt the need for one. So with that out of the way let's get down to the real things, the things pertained to in the latter half of the blog title.

If you've been follow me for a while then congratulations on being my stalker! No, in all seriousness you should know that I have moved in with my girlfriend & her son, into a home 100 miles from my last home/home-town. I'm going to be honest with you all in saying that (minus the unemployment situation) it is going really well. I am enjoying living in a place that finally feels like my own & a house where I don't have to feel awkward making a cup of tea because my Grandad is sat in the kitchen watching the Bid-Up Tv or some shite on 5USA. I get on really well with her son (which saves alot of potential hassle) & much to my family's disbelief I actually do housework now. Obviously everything isn't instantly going to be perfect & there are more than a few kinks I need to sort out about myself but we'll get there.

Now in other, equally exciting & important news The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim is less than two weeks away from release. To say that I'm a tad excited about this game would be a MASSIVE understatement. I hope that you are all as excited as I am or at least a tiny bit interested because if I start tweeting about it, you will very quickly become sick of me.

Well that is pretty much it for the moment, not a great deal of detail I know but there is only so much I can think of at one time, until next time enjoy yourselves.

Moving On Up Now

2011-09-06T13:46:00.000-07:00

It's Blog Time people!

I know I've been neglecting this blog of late but it seems the happier I am the less need I have to write blogs as I have nothing to let out or get off my chest. But I like to keep some people informed on how things are going so here is what's been going on in my life lately, short & sweet version.

Things are going from strength to strength with the Girlfriend. So much so that I am moving in with her at the end of this month.
I have finally escaped my job having handed in my notice last week. Soon will be the days of me living like a Bum. Eating Pot Noodles & watching Jezza in the Mornings.

There probably is more but there are the main two and my mind has gone blank at the moment so I will leave it at that. Also I am debating on whether or not to start up a Mooch twitter page.

Thinking Of Others

2011-08-17T13:55:00.000-07:00

I want to do something a little different with this post, you see I spend all my time on here talking about myself & this time I want to talk about someone else (a girl I know).

I've been friends with this girl for quite awhile now & I like to think of myself as a good friend & I hope she feels the same too. A few months ago she announced that she was pregnant & started blogging about it. I've followed & read every blog post she updated, kept up to date with how she was & how things were going. A few weeks ago though her baby was born prematurely and unfortunately couldn't find the strength to carry on.

When I found out about this I felt a veil of sadness sweep over me as I'd followed the pregnancy all along. Now as a man without a child of my own nor been in that situation myself I can't even begin to imagine the hurt & heartache she's been going through. She is still soldiering on though, trying to move forward and for that I think she is even more of an amazing, inspirational woman and if this ever happened to me I wish that I'll have at least half the strength and character that she has shown in the past week or so. I know she will have and continue to receive love and support from both her family and her friends but I just want to let her know, in my own special way, that there are so many more people who care about her. People who want to see her happy, will stand by her through thick & thin and will help in anyway they can.

Sunday, Monday

2011-08-08T12:57:00.000-07:00

It's been roughly a month since my last blog now because things have been going well for me lately so haven't felt the need to write a new post. Ultimately though I don't want to neglect the 4 people who might read my blog so going to update you on what is going on with my life at the moment.

Firstly I have been spending most my time Achievement Whoring my Xbox Games. I've worked my way through Fallout 3 & LA Noire, leaving me with about 5 achievements between the 2 games in order to have completed the original 1000 gamerscore. I know to most people this information will be of no interest or will have little idea what I'm actually talking about but it's what I've been doing so I'm telling it.

Secondly, as written in my last blog, I have a girlfriend & things have been going very well. Unfortunately money is pretty tight for me at the moment because I'm an idiot & have got myself in a spot of debt, so we can't go out as much as I'd like. I'm working on being pretty much debt free come January so hopefully money wise, my life will improve in the coming months. That said although we don't go out much we do just enjoy sitting in, cuddling up & spending time together because the time we spend together is precious in a way. What with us living about 2 & a half hours drive from one another I can't just pop round whenever I feel like, so we're pretty much restricted to weekends. That's great overall but the problem is that come Sunday/Monday I really don't want to go home or drop her off at the Train Station because all I want to do is spend all my time with her. It hurts to leave her but with a bit of hope there won't be such a long distance between us soon but we shall see.

It's Not Old News

2011-07-10T13:04:00.000-07:00

It's blog time again & this time I have some exciting news which if you have seen my Facebook today you will more than likely already know. You see I now...(cue tension music)....have a girlfriend. After 10 months of looking, not looking & looking again I have finally found someone, someone who I feel such a strong connection with that I hadn't felt before. A girl who for the first time I feel I can totally be myself with & no longer have pretend to be someone else in order to get her to like me. A girl who is totally awesome without even trying & whose DVD collection would make Blockbusters ashamed & makes mine something to be ashamed of.

I could carry on writing & writing about how I feel about her but I've no doubt that you will get bored of reading it & I will no doubt fall asleep mid-writing due to an extreme bout of tiredness (personal note to remember to close the curtains before falling asleep tonight). So I will leave this post on this:

"A man reserves his true and deepest love not for the species of woman in whose company he finds himself electrified and enkindled, but for that one in whose company he may feel tenderly drowsy".

George Jean Nathan

Just a Little Bit

2011-06-27T11:15:00.000-07:00

Last time out I wrote a very honest blog about how I felt & the sudden realisation that maybe things in my life are moving in the right direction. This post isn't going to be as long or as in depth as the last one instead it is more of a quick update. So I will be meeting up with Miss X again this Friday & hopefully a more extend time in my company won't result in her running for the hills as fast as possible. There is more news concerning Miss X but for the time being I'm holding back on it until I feel more comfortable about posting it.

Ultimately this post is pretty rubbish but hopefully soon I will be posting some more juicy updates on how my life is getting better than ever (hopefully).

An Epiphany

2011-06-18T13:32:00.000-07:00

“Any change, even a change for the better, is always accompanied by drawbacks and discomforts.”

Arnold Bennett

The majority of my posts on here have been negative, depressing updates about how I hate my life, my relationship status wasn't going well, being single sucks, I'm clinically depressed, work is shit, you get the picture. I think that it is fair to say that being single & the state of my love life have been one of the major factors in contributing to a large portion of this blog but recently I decided to give up on it all. I decided to give up on looking for a girlfriend, to give up on online dating & to give up chasing people that I know deep down I can never have. I did that & life presented me with something magical, amazing & a little bit cruel.

What happened was a short while ago I went to see a friend who lives in Manchester, while there I met a friend of her's who is a woman & for the purposes of this blog we shall call her Miss X. Now initially we didn't speak that much in person which was in a large part my fault; it's no secret that I'm incredibly shy when meeting people for the first time. Since then we have been talking loads of Twitter, texting & various IM-based applications. We've got to know each other better & talk in a more relaxed & one-to-one way that we couldn't when we met in person & we've got on really well. And I'm going to say something now & I don't care who reads it, I don't even care if Miss X herself reads this; I really, really like her.

She is stunningly beautiful, funny, kind, caring, hell you know what I honestly can't think of words to describe just how amazing she is. I know we've not been talking for that long but sometimes your brain (& more importantly your heart) just clicks & knows that what your feeling is right & that's how I feel about her. But as this is me & it can't be simple, it has to be largely complicated & it is. You see Miss X is already in a relationship, one that I don't want to get in the way of or be the reason why it hasn't worked out for them. Not only that but she happens to live quite a fair few miles away from me which also presents yet another problem. Initially distance isn't that much of a problem as I have a car or there are trains to get there but then it falls into whether or not I have the money to travel & I think many people know I'm not responsible in that area.

A large part of me wants this to go somewhere, to end up dating & if it works out getting into a more serious relationship. If that was the case then I would deal with certain obstacles when it came to it. For once in my life though my head is one straight, it's not all messed up & not knowing what to think. Miss X is in a relationship & if that works out I don't get the chance then so be it, that's her decision & I would wish her the best with it. On past occasions such as this, I would have crumbled if that was the case, slipped further into depression & cried myself to sleep for a few nights in a row.

Maybe this could be the start of a new chapter in my life, a new woman in my life but inadvertently I've realised that blog also has another message. The message that maybe right here, right now I am finally starting to win in the war against my depression.

Who Wants A Gamble??

2011-06-16T13:19:00.000-07:00

Now this isn't a normal thing for me to do but I'm posting a video in this one (not of me though). So anyone who knows me personally will know that it takes alot to make me laugh when in the company of others. I can laugh out loud when alone but even then it has to be something very special or completely random. The video below is one that made me chuckle almost all the way through. I haven't seen much else of this guy but Ed Gamble should definitely be on TV more often.

The Will to Act

2011-06-08T12:51:00.000-07:00

This post is a kind of follow up to the blog before last. So what's happening at the moment? Firstly I have given up on dating for the moment, both online & offline because it has not got me anywhere in the past 9 months. For months I have tried flirting with women, being nice to women and all I seem to succeed in doing is becoming a 'good friend' and nothing more. I've had enough of that now and decided that it's time to just go with the flow, see what happens and who might pop into my life.

Secondly, after months of saying it tomorrow is the day that I give up smoking. The reason I've never properly given up so far is because truth be told, I didn't want to give up and I didn't have a reason to. You see I used to have a reason not to smoke, I used to go out with a girl who hated smoking & therefore I didn't smoke because of her. Since we've split I have had no reason, I could do what I want without someone disliking it or complaining about it but now I have a reason or two really. Those reasons being that I don't want to smoke anymore, I'm unfit enough as it is without smoking dragging me down even more and secondly I can't afford to smoke. Those who read my twitter might know that I recently got a new laptop and even though I can afford it, I need to start being more careful with my money and outgoings that are not necessary really need to go.

In a way you could say that in the past 9 months of being single, I have matured a little bit more. But one thing I definitely haven't done is grown up.

Cryptic Clive

2011-06-06T08:05:00.000-07:00

I like many people have flaws, all of which have varying degrees of how bad a flaw they are. This blog is about a particular one, a flaw that I personally consider to be one of my worse & one that has caused almost nothing but trouble & pain for me. Now the reason I've entitled this blog 'Cryptic Clive' is because I'm not actually going to reveal the flaw to you all because there may be some people reading this that I would prefer to not know.

So this particular flaw has re-emerged itself or at least I get a strong feeling that this flaw will soon manifest itself again. I have tried over the past few months to get the better of this, to overcome this but it would seem that just as I think I'm done & won, it jumps out at me like a crazed cat out of a bin. Normally in this situation I will crumble, not knowing what to do or how to react but not this time. I know what I'm going to do & only time will tell whether or not it works but with enough PMA behind me then I'm confident it will work out.

Also I know this blog seems to be total and utter bollocks but it makes sense to me and I feel like I need to write it.

June the Big

2011-05-23T07:21:00.000-07:00

Ok before I start no this blog is not about a woman called June, it is of course about the month, so why is June so big?

Well for starters I am going to Blackpool at the beginning of the month to see a wonderful & beautiful friend of mine & a few other people I don't know or haven't met up. I can't remember the last time I went to Blackpool but it's at least 4 years ago & to be honest I can't wait to get back there. You see it's one of those places that as a child my parents always took me on Holiday so naturally I know my round it like I know my way round my own town. In a way Blackpool is kind of like a second home to me & will always hold a special place in my heart, much like Cornwall does so I'm looking forward to finally going back & seeing if anything has changed.

Secondly it's my birthday & I will the ripe old age of 23. I know a birthday is usually cause for celebration but this year mine is not because I will be using any money I get for my birthday to clear my current bank charges/overdraft. I know that is not exactly glamorous but it something that I have been struggling to sort out for a few months now & with a bit of hope I will be able to sort it now. Along with the money aspect June is the month when I finally start budgeting, finally start to be a bit more sensible with my money & stop spending it as if I have loads to spend.

June is ultimately the month in which I finally sort my life out & I will of course keep all of you updated on how well or bad this goes. Until next time wish me luck & I hope you are all well

How Time Flies

2011-05-09T14:25:00.000-07:00

Here I am again writing another blog after an extended absence due to problems with friends & women but that is over now so I can get back to the blogs.

So what has been going on in my life of late? Well I've discovered a few things about myself, things that subconsciously I've known for awhile but haven't been properly bought to my attention until late. To fully understand what I'm saying you need to know that I've spent a bit of time lately complaining about being in the friendzone; not being able to find a lady to have a relationship with & only being able to find new friends.

For ages now I've been trying to work out why this has been the case, why I've not been able to break the barrier between friendship & relationship & I've realised that its a contribution of factors that all mould together. It's caused by being to nice to women, offering to pay for things when we go out thus enabling them to have a considerable amount of trust in me plus a few other things. This leaves them with an image of a guy who is to good to be true, a guy who could normally be considered as the commonly viewed 'perfect boyfriend' & therefore cannot go any further than friends because, in their mind, sooner or later that image is going to fade & I will become a total jerk.

I also have a tendency to wait to long before going along the dating/girlfriend route. I become friends with them & then good friends before realising my feelings for them have become to overwhelming to contain anymore. This leads to me asking about dating only to be told that they like me but as a good friend & nothing more. I know myself that this is primarily caused by awkwardness & inability to ask women out on dates. I've never really been in the dating scene so have no real idea of what it entails other than what I have observed through other people & the media. I was in a long term relationship & that was my first & only relationship to date & if I'm honest asking a girl out scares the life out of me. I'm scared she'll say yes but most of all I'm scared she'll say no & I don't like handling with rejection as it hurts more with each time.

I know all of this is true, I know I need to work on not caring what others think or say, I know that everyone gets rejected at some point & more often than once. I know that in theory I have nothing to be scared of but life itself & I shouldn't be scared of it. I should be out enjoying it & embracing it because until I do that I will forever be stuck in this singledom rut that I am in now.

Bowtie's Are Cool

2011-04-06T14:32:00.000-07:00

If you haven't worked out by now, I'm a massive Doctor Who fan. I love the TV series, read some of the books, have a Doctor Who wallpaper on my laptop, the TARDIS noise as my message tone, the only reason I don't have the Adventures games on my PC is that my PC doesn't have the compatible software. The main reason I love Doctor Who is because once a week for 45 mins to an hour I can escape my life, escape the problems I have in my life and concentrate on pure fantasy, on someone else's life that is so much more fantastic than my own. You see I watch it to forget, to in a way become the Doctor because he is so much better than me, he has a life so much more exciting and important than my own life. This is why I'll dress up as the Doctor at any given time, why I subconsciously copy the Doctor's mannerisms after watching the show. I know I could never be him or have a life like his but I suppose the little child in me still wants to keep that dream alive & until I grow up I'll probably never stop pretending. The thing is I don't want to grow up because growing up is boring, the day I stop being a little child inside is the day I officially get old & I don't want that day to come. There are so many things I want to do in my life, most of which I can't do without being that little child.

I suppose what I'm trying to say in a roundabout kind of way is that everyone needs that little child inside your mind, that voice that tells you to jump when your stood on a wall or to look inside something that you know your not allowed to. You see without that little child you are nothing but a boring old fart, a person with no sense of fun or adventure with no escape from your own life & sometimes, just sometimes, you need that escape from life.

Neverending Summer

2011-03-09T13:15:00.000-08:00

You know it's a strange feeling loving someone & knowing that you can never be with them. Feeling like you have found that other person who is commonly referred to as your 'soul-mate' but know that you are not that person to them. You see that knowledge stands you in bad stead for future relationships because whenever you get close to someone or feel that a relationship could be on the cards, the feelings for this person resurface & everything goes back to the way it was: feeling lonely, miserable & like I'll never be able to find someone. I have no real point to writing this blog nor any real reason for it other than this is what is in my head & I need to say it.

In other news if you read this you may have noticed that over the past 3 weeks my twitter life has seemingly died. This is not a purposeful act I've just been busy with other things & not really been that bothered by my abscence. I've no idea if I will be back to full time tweeter anytime soon but all I can say is watch this space.

"Every single step I take
Seems to go the other way
From the one that I'd intended
Thought this lunacy had ended
And the seasons never change
They just always stay the same
Like a band with just a drummer
I'm in neverending summer

And I'm alone now"

Memory

2011-02-21T10:55:00.000-08:00

This is a bit of a random & out of the blue blog but one that I feel like writing so here goes.

Memory is a strange thing, you can have good memories, bad memories & random memories. There are some you can remember, some you forget & some that you'll simply never forget. I don't know about any of you but I find that I mostly seem to remember the bad ones, the memories that have an affect on my personality, my decisions, the way I approach certain situations & ultimately stop me from doing certain things. I have one particular memory that is always playing on my mind at the moment, a memory that still holds some hope behind it & ultimately affects future relationships that may be on the cards. As much as I try I can't seem to forget it & its a memory I need to forget or work out a way of getting around it & not letting it affect my decisions as this memory is the reason I'm probably going to be single for a long while. I still hold the hope that the person related to this memory will get back in contact with me on a regular basis & the bad memory turns into a good one but although I have hope it isn't a large amount of hope because I feel that I have pushed this person away.

I know that this post is useless as I don't think I'll get past this anytime soon, but if you have any ideas please feel free to let me know. Anyway I don't know if this makes any sense at all but I can't be bothered to go back over it so it will have to stay as it is.

A Change of Scenery

2011-02-18T15:08:00.000-08:00

Hello all, now before I start would just like to clarify I am writing this whilst considerly tired & mentally drained so forgive me if it turns out as a big pile of crap.

So onto my life & there have been a few minor developments/changes that have happened since the last blog. Those of you who are reading this have 'hopefully' noticed that I have had a considerable disappearance from twitter over the course of the past fortnight. This has been half intentional & half not, you see I've been needing time to sort things out, sort out my head & ultimately bury away some feelings to prevent me from driving myself insane. I've almost finished with all that & I might go back to twitter full time soon but at the present I don't know for definite because I've not really missed it that much & I honestly don't feel that missed on there. I know that's kind of self centered & vain but it's a nice feeling of being missed (by at least more than one person).

The next development is a career related one, unfortunately I haven't left the company I work for but I am on a 4 week trial in our restaurant as the 'Guy in charge of the Kitchen'. I say that as opposed to Chef because it's not actual cooking but nevertheless this will be the first, basic step on my CV to working my way to being a proper chef. Food handling experience is vital in that kind of job role & this new job will be perfect for that (providing all goes well). So expect to be seeing me in a sexy black & white checked apron soon.

It's the elephant's turn to take a penalty

2011-02-09T12:07:00.000-08:00

Hello again readers.

So whats been going on in my world lately? Nothing much to be honest as it has mainly been working but there has been some activity on the female front. Let me enlighten you as to what it is.

First off there are two girls who I have liked that I've pretty much accepted as a lost cause but we won't dwell on those. Secondly at work last week we had some women in from other stores within the company & I found out on the day before they were leaving that 'apparently' one of the girls fancied me. This would have been more useful to find out on the second day but nevertheless I swallowed my anxiety & fear of rejection and asked her for a coffee on the Friday. Regrettably she did say no but I have found out today that I should be receiving a Valentine's Day card from her & her partner in crime from her store, so that should make Monday more bearable.

Thirdly while speaking to a female friend the other day we ended up on the subject of 'Fuck Buddies'. I admitted to her that I have thought of it before & I have thought about her being that such buddy. Thankfully this didn't make things or make her feel awkward which can only be a good sign I'm thinking. Now before I have said that One-Night Stands & the like are not my thing but I'm starting to feel that I need to let some of my morals & views go a little bit, go out into the world & live the young, free, single life I've never done before. This friend is staying round mine at the end of the month because we're having a load of drinks at mine so who knows what might happen but I will have to wait & see.

Finally I signed up to Match about 2 weeks ago for a bit of a laugh & to see what its like & in that time I have had 47 views on my profile. I personally don't think that's too bad but it's a shame I can't talk to anyone as I'm not a paid subscriber.

Oh, What's Occuring

2011-01-29T12:31:00.000-08:00

Here we are at yet another blog post & another small snippet into my life, so what's going on in my life?

Well it would appear that communication with the girl from my last blog has broken down completely as I've received nothing from her in about two weeks now. Although I'm pretty disheartened & hurt by this I'm not completely upset from it. You see I liked this girl (and I still do) but I realised that you can't go out with someone because you feel like you can help them. This girls serious lack of confidence is what appealed to me & I genuinely believed that I could help her rebuild her confidence, and to a degree I still think I could but as a friend. Then again she seemingly doesn't want to talk to me at all so at the end of the day it is her loss because she'll be losing a potentially very good friend.

Also I decided that I was going to start looking for a girlfriend a little bit closer to home, someone who I haven't met online and doesn't live miles away in another town. Now there is a girl at my work I like who I would ask out on a date but unfortunately she already has a boyfriend, granted he's a complete bellend but that's neither here nor there. However, the other day she admitted to me that she does fancy me and today I told her (even though we're not meant to be talking), that I would ask her out on a proper date if she was single. What happens next is in her hands but I cannot see her leaving her boyfriend regardless of how bad he treats her or how many people tell her that she'd be happier with someone like me. If I'm completely honest with myself I wouldn't want her to leave her boyfriend just to get with me because that's not right to me, I feel that if she was to split with her boyfriend then it should be for her own reasons and because she doesn't want to be with him. I'm aware that sounds the same as what I don't want her to split with him for but I know what I mean and it doesn't explain that well in writing so I'm hoping that your thinking along the same wavelength as me.

Finally there are a few light points to end with. Firstly I now have a Dartboard in my room which I didn't pay for (I took it from the parents house). So expect me to be annoying the next door neighbour with the noise of me playing it for about 2 hours every evening. Secondly a friend of mine told me about something utterly amazing the other day which I have ordered online and will be receiving by the end of the week hopefully. That item is pictured below and will complement my mug, calender & book quite well. I can also see some kind of humorous and potentially embarrassing incident with a lady happening with them.

Fallen

2011-01-19T15:39:00.000-08:00

I think it's fair to say that recently I have fallen off my horse, in the most spectacular way. You see this blog is an avenue for me to express my feelings, a place where I can vent my frustrations or joys without having to bottle them up & slowly drive myself insane. The trouble is that I'm not always completely honest; I forget things or shy away from saying certain things for fear of upsetting people or worrying what you'll think of me, but right now I feel like being honest.

You see I like, hell you might even say I love this girl & have done for awhile now, I think of her almost all the time and when we talk about everyday things she brings a smile to my face. Lately however things have happened & everything seems to have gone completely Fubar. I've tried my best to work out what is actually going on, tried to get some kind of explanation or sense out of this girl and I just seem to be hitting the same old brick wall. I get nothing out of her, sometimes not even a reply & it hurts. I've gone from being considerably happy about whats going on in my life to going to sleep most nights feeling like complete shit, all in the matter of a few weeks. I don't know what's going on, whether I've done something wrong or not & all I want is some peace of mind or reassurance but I just can't seem to get it. My emotions & my heart have been pulled from left to right more times than I care to think & I'm not sure just how long I can take it.

I don't overly want to write or even publish this blog but without this blog I will end up sat in my room scratching my head until it's red raw because its the only coping mechanism I have in times like these. I also know that there are many people out there (some of whom might read this) who are there for me should I need them but as much as I try, I still can't bring myself to tell & involve others in this. I'm sure that over time a solution will come about or if it comes to it, I will deal with my emotions & move on with my life. My biggest hope is that the said girl reads this blog & realises that I am here to help her in whatever way she needs me. I always have been & don't want to throw it all away over something so trivial as a lack of communication.

Falling for Wrong

2011-01-16T13:25:00.000-08:00

I said in my last blog that I'm going to try to complain less so that's what I'm doing. This post is not me complaining but more me stating a fact, a truth that as the weeks & months pass seems to become more and more a normality of my life.

You see it would seem that I always fall for girls who are wrong, what do I mean by that? Well for ages now my emotions & feelings have been up the wall & I've been developing feelings for quite a few women. It would appear however that I don't ever fall for ones who are right for me, instead I fall for ones who are so wrong that it makes my ability to judge/read people a joke. I have fallen for girls who are in relationships, girls who don't like me in that particular way, girls who have said they liked me & proceeded to mess me around and disappear leaving my heart & feelings a mess worthy of a train crash. If I'm honest I don't really know what it is about me that is so wrong, I mean I'm a nice, polite, caring, considerate guy who would do practically anything for my friends let alone a girlfriend.

Maybe that is my problem though, maybe I am too nice for my own good. Unfortunately though that is never going to change, as much as I can try I can't be a horrible person (ok maybe sometimes when I'm in a right mood but that's hard to keep up 24/7). I know that ultimately I will find that girl who is right for me, who accepts me for who I am and where the problems we have are nothing short of minimal and petty. Until that day I guess I'll just have to go through a few more situations like this and slowly learn not to let it get the better of me.

My Life is Shit?

2011-01-13T11:37:00.000-08:00

More often than not I spend my time in this blog moaning about my life, various aspects of it and how shit it is. At the time of writing it is something that I genuinely feel & believe but today I had a bit of a wake up call; a sudden realisation. You see I moan about being depressed, being ugly, not having a girlfriend or someone to hold when I feel down, not having any money when in all honesty I'm just talking shit.

If I look at my life from a honest, third party perspective then I have little to complain about. I live at my nan's where I have a considerably amount of freedom & personal space. Yes there are some minor flaws like my nan making my bed whilst I'm at work or constantly pestering me if I want some food but all in all my life here is good.
If I'm being totally true then I have to admit that I am a fairly attractive young man, although I'm to negative and talk myself down way more than I should which probably makes me unattractive in itself.
I moan about always being skint but the fact of the matter is I have a job & I earn a wage, ok it's minimum wage but it's still money and were it not for my serious lack of financial skills I would have more money than I ever realised.
And I moan about not having a girlfriend which in itself is not really worth me complaining about.

Everything I moan about is truthfully pitiful when I really think about, when there are people out there who are homeless or dealing with serious illnesses. People who are dealing with problems much worse than mine and who have the right to be complaining and yet some of these amazing people don't complain & just carry on living their lives to the best they can. It is these people and the people who deal with serious problems who should be complaining and we should be the one's listening, being that friendly ear for them when they need to let it all out or someone to talk to.

I'm going to try my best not to fill this blog solely of my whinging and complain but if that means there is a reduction in my posts then so be it, because I honestly don't believe that I have the right to be moaning about problems that, in the wider perspective, are meaningless.

Additional

2011-01-03T07:49:00.000-08:00

First things first these are not New Year Resolutions because I already have one, instead these are just additional items that I plan to do/have completed by the end of the year.

So my plans are:

To finally learn how to cook to a reasonable standard
To learn how to play either the Piano, Guitar or both
To give the Xbox & computer games a back seat & not spend all my time on them
To get toned and improve my fitness
And to somehow learn how to save money.

I know this seems like a lot but I'm confident that if I have the willpower to stick to them then I can at least achieve four of the five listed, as well as completing my resolution. However my progress on these will be documented in this blog so you will all be able to read up on how abouts I'm getting on.

That Four Letter Word

2011-01-01T11:05:00.000-08:00

Love is the probably the strongest emotion/feeling we have as humans, but it is not simple. It can come in many different ways, like the love you have for a friend or family member to the love you have for a partner or someone you like and it can come and go like the wind. It's the love that you have for a significant other in your life that can make you ecstatically happy one minute then increasingly sad and depressed the next, for reasons you cannot explain or begin to understand. However, to me, the strongest feeling you can ever have is the feeling of being 'in love'.

It is the feeling of being in love with someone that can send you into some kind of euphoria, a state of mind where nothing and no-one can annoy you or spoil your day and this is the what I want out of 2011, to be in love with someone. For months now I have been moping around living my life feeling like I am in love with people but it never felt perfect or right, after time I've realised that I was being an idiot and a fool for even thinking I was in love. All that is going to change though because I am approaching life and its challenges in a new way, I'm breaking the normality of my emotions and way I act in order to hopefully find that one woman with whom I can get that feeling of being in love. For once I am confident in myself that I can find this within the next year and I'm not going to allow anything to get in my way because this is the one thing I want in my life more than anything right now.

2010 seemed to be the year of the breakups, 2011 however is going to be the year of the couples and I will see you at the other end; happier, more self confident and with a woman I love more than life itself.

Five Years Time

2010-12-21T11:30:00.000-08:00

We have almost reached the end of 2010 and in honour of that I have decided to do a blog based around that question you always get at job interviews/career meetings; Where do you see yourself in 5 years time?

Well plain and simply I'd like to think that I am in a much better place than I am now, both in my career and my personal life. Career wise I'd like to be in a job I really love or if thats not the case then a job that allows me to be in a comfortable financial position. The one problem I face is that I have no idea whatsoever what I actually want to do with my life and I never have. There have been plenty of jobs I've thought to myself 'I'd quite like to do that' and those jobs range from Radio DJ, Psychologist, Counseller, Actor to Stand Up Comedian but none of them have stuck or I've not had the funding to be able to take the neccessary courses. At this current moment I am stuck in a dead end job in retail and I seriously don't intend to be here in 5 years time.

When it comes to my personal life I hope that in 5 years time I'll be in a place of my own, in a stable relationship with a kid of my own running around the place. I also like to think that I'll have a clean bill of health and no serious problems. At the present moment I don't have that special someone in my life, there is a lady that I have my eye on but knowing me I will somehow manage to mess things up and leave myself at square one again. The hope is that I will manage to find that special lady & make things work in spite of all my flaws and let downs, a lady who can finally make me feel as confident and positive as I should be.

Whether or not I will be at that stage in the next 5 years I can't guarentee anymore than I can guarentee that the people at McDonalds will get your order right. The main concern is that in these next few years I don't end up doing a constant loop of going after people who are either out of my league or there is no chance of anything ever happening between us because that just leads to hurt, disappointment and knocks my confidence a mile back, but we will see. I don't want to end on a negative note but 2010 hasn't been a great year, there have been some good moments but all in all its been pretty average and here's to having a 2011 that is quite simply, fantastic!

Bur Smidge

2010-12-20T12:13:00.000-08:00

Oh my days, would you look at that it is blog number 5 which also makes this month the most blogged month of the year. Don't ask me why I suddenly have started blogging more because I don't think I could really tell you the truth. I could tell you reasons why I suspect I am writing more but I don't want to bore you more than I already do.

So what is this post about I hear you ask, because the title tells me nothing. Well to put it simply its about something that happened to me today and also a get involved piece at the end, anyway onto the first part.
To put you in the picture, about 1/2 months ago I stopped talking to my then closest friend for reasons I quite frankly can't be bothered to go into right now. Now for this time we've not spoke, we've avoided each other amazingly considering we work in the same building together, albeit on different departments. Although this is hard to maintain it is also beneficial for me as it helps me move on with my life and help teach me how to let go of people. Everything has been going fine and I'm moving on but today I had to talk to her about something to do with work, I went and told her then she passed me again a few minutes later and was talking to me as if nothing had happened and we'd never stopped talking. I really don't know what to make of it because me & her talking was the cause of all the original problems but then it's not like she's made any other effort to talk other than that. Normally this is the time when I would have text or messaged her to say something like "I thought we weren't talking?", but I know that will only re-ignite the situation and all the problems and the pain that comes with them. It is at times like this when I wish I could read women's minds, just to find out where I stand or what they truly think of me, a bit like Mel Gibson in that shite movie.

Anyway onto the next part and I am offering you lucky readers the chance to guest blog here (and hopefully make the place more exciting). You can blog about whatever you wish, it can be a funny memory or a personal view on a certain subject, the choice is yours. If you are interested in taking part then drop me a message on my twitter here and I will get back to you soon as.

Will leave you with this final thing. I went for an interview for a job as a babysitting at the weekend and the couple were asking me all kinds of questions and they asked me "Have you watched kids before?". Now apparently in that situation, 'from my car' is not a good response...

Sudden Realisation

2010-12-18T15:19:00.000-08:00

So after 2 bottles of Stella Artois and a cigarette (yes I know I'm supposed to be quitting), I've realised that I am a failure at being a friend. I try my best to model myself as a good friend and someone who people can always rely on to be there when they need me but in truth that's just not true. I try to be that person, I really do but I just end up being one of those drifter friends, you know the kind the friend who is there for you all the time but then suddenly (without warning) disappears off the face of the earth and rarely contacts you. That is what I do with my friends. I know that I can't be there every minute of every day for all the people I know but I should at least be there on a regular basis and I am not there like that for some of my friends. For reasons I don't know I seem unable to keep in contact with some friends, I tend to find myself getting distracted by things in my life that are not at all important. I'm just going to stop talking now because it's just becoming a massive fecked up mess, so will just go wallow in self pity for the rest of the evening.

Nice Guys

2010-12-10T14:21:00.000-08:00

"Nice Guys Finish Last"

Its a saying almost most people know and is the quote that seems to best describe my life at this current moment. You see if you follow my twitter or talk to me you'll know that I don't half go on about being single & wanting a girlfriend and I do it because I don't know what else to do but go on about it.

You see I don't think there is a considerable amount wrong with me; I'm nice, kind, care more about other peoples feelings & well being before my own, I don't have a wad of money but I like to pay for most things even it means I'll end up with no money for myself & I'm loyal. I'm every I believe should make both a good friend & a good boyfriend. I treat women how I think they should be treated; with love & respect, yet I'm still not good enough. I wouldn't mind so much if I knew what was wrong with me and the reasons why so many women reject me or I'm more the good friend opposed to boyfriend material. Am I too nice for my own good? Am I hideous to all females that I actually like? Am I aiming above my league?

Or maybe its just that I am too nice for my own good and as I said at the beginning; nice guys always finish last.

Infomercial

2010-12-07T13:14:00.000-08:00

Its only been two days since I last wrote a blog and I think this is the shortest time gap between any two of my previous blogs. So whats this one about? Well its basically me telling you a few things about myself that you probably know but if your not an often reader then you might not know.

So I'll begin with the first thing of being Single. If you know me at all then you will already know that I've been single for about 3 months now and generally I'm starting to hate it and just want a girlfriend to cuddle up with, talk to in the evenings and generally be there when I need someone. All of the relationship side is pretty much covered and you can find out more from reading a few previous blogs.

Secondly I want to talk about friends. Now what you may not know about me is that (aside from work/family) I don't really have that many 'real life' friends. I don't have the friends who live a 10-20 minutes away that I can call up at short notice and ask to go for a drink or to go out somewhere and also recently I lost my best friend. Now I didn't leave her somewhere and forget where I put her, but she got herself a boyfriend and slowly but surely I got pushed out the picture and we no longer speak (which is what I knew would happen). By know your probably thinking that this is a slightly down and depressing blog and maybe even purposely written to make you feel sorry for me, but that is where you are wrong. I may have no girlfriend and no real life friends to go out with but I do have one thing; and that's Internet friends (that's you).

You are by far the best people I have ever known and would ever want to know. You have had to put up with my moaning, depressing tweets, mood swings, my negativity and yet you are still here, and reading this blog too. Some of you have been with me for years and some for only a few months but you are all on the same standing, you are my best friends even though some of you I've not even met yet. Without you I would not be where I am today; I wouldn't have got through my depression, the struggles with my sexuality and even everyday life because you've been there every step of the way and always willing to lend an ear to talk to. I cannot begin to thank you enough for all you have done for me and the sense of warmth and belonging you have given me from being there for me.

It doesn't matter what I've managed to get down in this blog, I genuinely cannot think of the words to let you know just how amazing you are, you're a beautiful person and I love you for just being you.

Looking For Something Lost

2010-12-05T14:49:00.000-08:00

It's December readers, which means it's not long now until (the somewhat dreaded) Christmas, but more importantly we are drawing ever closer to the New Year. The year 2011, New Years resolutions and a fresh start for some, myself included. Now more often than not I make a New Years resolution and like many people I normally fail with it before the second week of January but this new year I actually have a worthwhile resolution, something that I actually believe in and want to do. You see my resolution for 2011 is improve myself and ultimately find 'The One'.

I know this may seem unobtainable or even a little bit crazy but that is what I hope to achieve within the year. By improving myself I mean things like finally stopping smoking, sorting out my self confidence and actually reducing the amount of self-negativity that resides in my crazy messed up head. This does however kind of come hand in hand with finding the one, you see I never used to smoke or feel so bad about myself when I was in a relationship. I need that significant other in my life, that one person who can motivate me to be a better person and to do the things that I won't do by myself. I know that if I'm not willing to do it for myself then ultimately someone else isn't going to be much help but for me that is the case. I need that person and without them in my life I slowly start regressing back to the person I was aged 16; not talking to anyone, feeling like complete shit all the time because I'm not worth anything and no person would ever find me attractive.

As I'm writing this I'm even starting to think to myself that this is a big ask and that it seems even more unattainable the more I write but I'm determined to do it. I'm not asking for much when it comes to a partner either, my main requirements being that I need to find her attractive, funny, smart, want kids at some point and ultimately be able to cope with me, my emotions and the very childish nature I have. Because as nice as I seem on twitter, facebook and even on here I am a right pain in the arse and at times it is like looking after a child. I know that I have a lot of searching to do, not just in the big wide world but also within myself and my only hope is that over the course of the next year I can find the right things to make my life all the better.

I've Got The Magic In Me

2010-11-27T14:18:00.000-08:00

So after my last blog rant, it's time for something positive so I'm glad to announce that at the moment I am an overly happy chap. I've decided that somethings are no longer (and probably never were) my problems, it's time for me to turn the page on one chapter of my life and open up a blank page for the next one. So why am I so happy at the moment? Well for two reasons and they both happen this coming Saturday.

Reason Number 1 - I am going for a coffee with a very beautiful young lady, I say coffee it might hot chocolate, herbal tea or Ribena but you get the picture.

Reason Number 2 - The series finale of Merlin and although I will be sad to see this current series come to an end, it looks to be a very good ending.

As much as I love Merlin I am genuinely more excited about reason number one because its the first time I've gone for a coffee/met up with someone new for a long, long time. I love meeting new people, especially when I get to meet some of the amazing friends I have online, but in person. That said I'm not going to lie, I will probably be a nervous wreck before the initial meet & greet we do because I'm always worried I'm going to stick my foot in it somehow & the person in question isn't going to like me. Nevertheless I'm determined not to make a tit out of myself this time (unless its absolutely needed for comedy affect).
I think that's pretty much all I have for you all at the moment but I will leave you with a fact:

If you touch your tongue whilst yawning, it will stop the yawn.

Grinds My Gears

2010-11-23T12:41:00.000-08:00

If you've been with me & this blog from the very beginning then you'll no doubt know the main thing that irritates me. For those of you that are fairly new, what really grinds my gears is men. Now not all men annoying me but its the general group of men who are complete and total arseholes.

The kind of men who treat their girlfriends like shit and talk to them like shit to get their own way. The men who know exactly what they're doing and commit what can only be described as emotional blackmail to ensure that their girlfriends don't get above their stations or do what they want. Men who say they love you but generally have no concept or knowledge of love because if they actually knew what love was they wouldn't be acting the way they do. These kinds of men can only be described as complete c**ts and nothing would give me greater pleasure than to personally hang them up from a ceiling and beat them like a giant piñata.

Now I'll admit I'm not perfect and at times I can be a complete wanker but I like to think I'm at least nice enough to be a basic model of what most men should be like generally: nice, caring, helpful, rarely selfish even if I can be a huge prick sometimes. I think maybe its time I made myself a Superhero outfit and went around beating up all the men in the world who are wankers.

The Only Way Is Up

2010-11-18T13:40:00.000-08:00

Before I start I would like to clarify that the title of this blog is the first, positive sounding song lyric that came into my head and would suit the post. The title is in no way a reference to my taste in music because I hate that song and the woman who sings it (I've no idea why, I just do).

Anyway, things are starting to look up for me again at the moment. My work is almost stress free and relatively easy; it's still crap pay but I can't grumble & moan to much when the work itself is almost a daily stroll in the park. The girl I consider to be my closest (and most loved) friend has started talking to me again which makes me happier than I can describe and I seem to be slowly bur surely growing a backbone/pair of balls. I'm starting to get the confidence to do things I wouldn't normally do, things that in previous circumstances I would have shut myself away & avoided doing.

I've started properly talking to new people, and furthermore new women who I'd previously only said "Hi, you alright?" to. Started forging myself new friendships with people in the real world and not just people online; people I can give real hugs to when they need them (and some of them have been needed already). Now don't get me wrong I'm in no way talking down or disregarding online friendships because I know of the value of those kinds of friendships. Some of my closest friends & some of the best people I know, I have met over Facebook & Twitter, without those friends I would not be where I am now or got through over half the things I've gone through over the past few years.

Sometimes though, no matter how good a friend someone is online you just can't beat the face-to-face interaction of being friends with someone who you work with or live nearby. That is why I would spend my time travelling the country (even the world) meeting up with all my online friends & having some good times if I had the money to do so. But I digress, what I'm trying to say is that over the past week I've gone from one end of the scale to the other. I've gone from being down, feeling blue & about to quit a large part of my online life to being one of the happiest guys around who's cheeky smile & general randomness makes everyone laugh. I'm hoping this euphoria will last for quite awhile and not be a big anti-climax on my road to overall happiness with my life.

"I'm not weird, I'm limited edition"

Paranoia

2010-11-09T10:52:00.000-08:00

I've been single now for a little over 2 months and on the whole it sucks. I miss having someone to hug and cuddle when I want/need to, I miss having that someone to talk to who will listen to me no matter what shit comes out of my mouth, I miss the security of knowing I have someone there. That said there are parts of me that love being single and the freedom that brings but recently the lack of a sense of security has been overwhelming my emotions. I'm not going to lie, I feel lonely and I know I have some great friends online who are always there for me but the lack of any real 'friend' in real life further builds on my level of loneliness.

So recently I've been thinking about getting back into the dating scene (or actually getting into it as I've never really been there before). And asking people out for a meal or a movie goes hand in hand with starting up dating and there is where my problem lies. I can sit here and think about asking someone out for days, weeks, months and I will never actually do it because I chicken out. My brain automatically starts playing the Angel on one shoulder and the Devil on the other game; I think of the positives of asking someone out only for my "Angel" to be interrupted by a swift kick in the bollocks from the "Devil". I start thinking to myself that I'm not worth it, she's out of my league and wouldn't be interested in a ugly weirdo like me. I can't help it but it seems my negatives outway my positives when it comes to such decisions and I'm desperately trying to figure out how to change that without having to face the humiliation of rejection.

Obviously the reason I'm writing this blog is because I have someone at the moment who this ongoing conflict of personal opinions is about. I want to ask them out but I can't find the balls to do it because I have such a deep seeded fear of rejection that, in my book, it's better to feel like crap and not ask than to ask and get turned down.

Lost in Space

2010-10-23T13:13:00.000-07:00

This past month has been a bit of a gradual downhill fall from grace, it was all starting so well with the week alone at my parents house. I spent the week alone were I had to do my own washing, cleaning, cooking etc and I absolutely loved it. Having to look after myself is something I regularly try to avoid because all my life there has always been someone there to cook, clean etc for me. Having the responsibility of doing it all myself gave me a sense of freedom that I've craved for ages.

Furthermore, the more this month has gone on, the worse I've felt within myself. I'm massively skint and will be again next month, I've lost a very good friend and I have hardly anyone local to me I could go out with if I had money. More times than I care to admit I've fallen asleep in the past fortnight hugging a cuddly toy monkey. I'm not looking for a new girlfriend, just some company. Someone to give me a hug or even to just sit and watch TV with me when I'm feeling a little down.

It's not all doom and gloom as I have started talking to an old friend who is fairly local and once I've cleared my debts over the next couple of months then I should be able to save up and, with luck, look into getting my own place. I also know that this blog isn't exactly perfectly written or structured but in all truth its taken a long time to write this because I've been considerably distracted by Hot Fuzz playing in the background.

Home Alone

2010-10-03T08:04:00.000-07:00

This week I am back at the parents house, house-sitting whilst everyone is away on holiday. The main reason that I am house-sitting is because the next door neighbours are a dodgy bunch and seemed to interested in the fact that the house would be left empty for a week, and because someone has to feed the cat. As I actually write this the fat, black patchy little git is laid next to me asleep on the sofa.

So other than house-sitting I went out last night and by out, I mean out on the town for a few drinks. I wouldn't get yourself too excited for me because it was quite literally a few drinks as I was only out for about 2 hours. This mainly due to my friend not feeling to good and I wasn't going to let her walk to the taxi rank on her own in the middle of a drunk-ridden town (I may be crap when it comes to a fight but I'm very good at biting). Going out last night did succeed in only making myself feel old though as I only had a few 4 drinks, felt like I couldn't drink no-more and after 15 mins in a small pub with music that was way to loud I wanted to go home. Now I've never been a huge drinker but always managed to last the night and lately I can't even manage 4 or 5 drinks. That coupled with the lack of interest in sex seriously makes me wonder if I should be a OAP already.

I dont think there is much that has happened to me lately but I will leave you with a pet peeve of mine and that is that it really irritates and infuriates me when someone buys a drink in a pub/club and then proceeds to stand at the bar drinking it. You've got your drink so bugger off to another part of the pub so I can actually buy myself a drink; it's not like there is no room for you to move because there are loads of empty gaps you can stand in. I'm starting to think that maybe next time I'm in a pub/club and there is a guy just stood there at the bar, I might just kick them in the shins to see how they like some annoying twat pissing them off.

Tell Me A Lie

2010-09-28T11:22:00.000-07:00

Over the past 6 years I've come out of my shell, started talking to people and made loads of friends. Many of these friends I've considered to be true friends; the kind of friend who always there for you & will stay friends whether you do good, bad, cause offence or generally be a prick. Although it would seem that I don't have a very good judge of character because the large majority of those I have considered true friends no longer talk to me.

I'm not sure if it's just me, my inability to let some things lie or my tendency to not think before I say or do somethings that's makes them not like me enough to carry on talking. I'm always the one that has to start the conversation, the one to keep the friendship going because without my input there would be no friendship. All to often people say that they'll be there for me but maybe just being there for me is messaging me once a week to check how I am and how I'm doing? I know I can be a complete arsehole sometimes but I guess that maybe I'm to nice for my own good, maybe I'm to trusting in people or maybe I shouldn't let myself get to attached to people in the first place.

Who knows I guess it might be better if I went back to being the shy, quiet loner I was when I was in school when I had no friends; life was somewhat simpler back then.

Ridin' Solo

2010-09-20T08:16:00.000-07:00

Yes it's another blog and what do you think of my clearly original (and no way related to Jason Derulo) title?

Yeah I know it's crap but it has been a little over two weeks that I have been single for now and on the whole it's not been to bad. I've been allowed to do what I want, go where I want and have had a large amount of Xbox/PS3 time. That said there are the bad points of the past two weeks; not having someone to hug when you really need one and there has been a few times (but that's for my other blog) and not having someone to snuggle up with on a cold night.

But I am soon going to be feeling better about myself because this Friday is Paye Day and I am taking out a moderate amount of cash and I am Suiting Up!!! Now I'm not the vein/big-headed kind of person but I do have to say that I will soon be looking awesome, possibly better than Barney Stinson himself. Ok maybe not that good but I will look pretty awesome.

I may also be getting myself a new tattoo in the next month, I'm going to work on it over the next few days and then see what the cost will be. If it's a reasonable price then I will I have the second of at least a few more.

So that's pretty much my life at the moment, it's nothing amazing or special but hey, I can't be hilarious all the time...

Free Hugs Portsmouth

2010-09-07T10:12:00.000-07:00

My Free Hugs adventure continues, but this time I took it on the road and went to Portsmouth. It was my first foray into taking it on the road and to be honest it was both a little disappointing and really cool.

I was there for about 5 hours and it was a very slow uptake to begin with, picked up and then died off again. So here are the main points of this one:

Having to hug a medium sized hairy dog (actually proper hug it, the owner picked up his front legs)
Having 2 different people give me a pound each to put on the lottery for good luck (didn't win though lol)
Having a guy from the Portsmouth Local Paper (apparently) take my picture and mini interview me
Being molested by an OAP with a zimmerframe and a few other old ladies
Having people take numerous photos and even guy videoing me
All the people who said I was a wonderful person for doing such a nice thing
And meeting 2 awesome girls who stayed with me for about 2 hours and kept me company and one of whom left with my Free Hugs T-Shirt

As per usual it was a great experience and did make me feel great and made many people smile. Not only the people receiving hugs but people walking past who just saw me and smiled. And anything you do where you meet some amazing people and become friends is a good time out to me.

You've Got A Friend In Me

2010-09-02T08:13:00.000-07:00

Friendships are a fickle thing, they can stick for years or they can come and go as quick as the weeks and months go by. A friendship can be really strong but the wrong word said at the wrong time can lead to an instant breakdown of the friendship. If you put it into stereotypes then there are many different types of friend, I personally bring it down to four; the giver, the taker, the wanderer and the all rounder.

The Giver is a friend who will essentially give everything to his friends without any thought or regard to his/her own well being or problems. A friend is always willing to lend money, help you get to places, be a listening ear when you need a shoulder to cry on and supports you in anything you do.

The Taker is a friend who only turns to you when they need help but are very rarely there whenever you need someone to be there or you need help. They predominantly are only concerned by themselves and often they don't even realise they are a 'taker'.

The Wanderer is a friend who you talks to you for a certain time and talks often but then they seem to stop talking to you for a few weeks/months and suddenly come back to being there again. Sometimes it's because they are forgetful, busy or just move from one friend to another as a habit.

The All Rounder is a friend who a mix of all of the above. Someone who is there for his/her friends sometimes, will take from his/her friends when they need to and will drift between friends; some friends more than others.

I think it's safe to say that I'm a 'Giver' and I seem to have a knack for attracting 'Takers', which is normally the case. I give out as much as I mentally and physically can without a seconds thought of how I feel or dealing with my own problems. Sometimes I try to help and end up feeling useless or ignored (which I often feel is worse) and to be honest half the time I know I'm being ignored. I'm not saying I want all the attention because I don't, I would just feel so much better if people actually acknowledged me or listened to me just so I don't feel like I'm nothing.

Obviously some of my friends will read this, and those who do will more than likely be the people who are there for me when I need them, the friends who listen to me and want me to be happy. They are the friends who I should be concentrating on instead of wasting my time on the 'friends' I have who don't appreciate me enough to put the effort into friendship.

But I really do appreciate all of you who are there for me and I genuinely do love you all.

Same Old Scene

2010-08-29T11:06:00.000-07:00

So what has been going on in the life of Simon recently? Well to be totally honest bugger all worth blogging about in general. I've been working, on twitter, seeing family & playing Splinter Cell Conviction on the Xbox. I did however go out to town on Friday night with a few work mates.

Now I'm a bit skint at the moment so I wasn't drinking and instead I was the designated driver, a situation that is becoming even more common lately. So the night started with a drink in Weatherspoons then a little drive down to Oceana for some more drinks and some dancing, no dancing from me of course. We were there awhile, had a couple of drinks, the others danced while I stood at the side watching and feeling a little depressed and boring. All of this being pretty much how my nights out have been the past few months (when I've been out). But there is a new thing that seems to happen recently which I'd prefer wasn't on that list and that is someone/something starting. Friday night it was a random chavvy girl who whilst walking past her she decided to grab my face and start shouting at me for no apparent reason. Now it was very loud in the club, plus the bass was so heavy it felt like my insides were having a spasm and therefore I couldn't understand a single word of what the girl said but she did look very angry.

I'm not entirely sure whether or not I have recently developed one of those faces that you just want to smack or I just look like a dodgy git but seems to be happened more often. I don't overly enjoy my nights out in town as it is and something like that happening just sends me into an even worse state of depression and makes me not want to go out at all. Who knows maybe I'm just going out to the wrong places or with the wrong people, or maybe I should just stick to what I like best: a quiet drink down the pub.

Driftwood Floating Underwater

2010-08-25T09:15:00.000-07:00

Over the past week I've been feeling a little bit odd, there has been something there in the back of my mind and I just couldn't pin it down. Today however I've figured out what that feeling was, it's neither a feeling of complete sadness or happiness nor a feeling of being lost or found. It is instead a feeling of what is happening and what is impending if I don't sort it out.

I feel like I am pushing my friends away; not intentionally but I am doing it nonetheless. I'm not talking & texting as much and when I do I can't think of anything to say or talk about, it's like some kind of mental block. It won't be long before I have no friends and it will all be my fault for not making the effort. I know with some people I make the effort and it goes unnoticed but is that really the case or is that my brain making me think that so I won't try as much next time.

I know why I'm feeling like this to and why I am seemingly pushing people away but I won't divulge that on here for certain reasons. I'm just finding it hard trying to make everything work and go right at the moment, but it seems increasingly likely that it's not going to happen.

Singing With A Broken String

2010-08-18T12:49:00.001-07:00

Not much of a blog today I'm afraid. I've been offline for past 4 days and needed time to myself, time to think about why I'm such a git at the moment and time to be alone. A bit of time to think for myself for once rather than listening to other people and doing what they say.

But it would appear that my time alone has provided little help as I've been spending it feeling lost and not knowing what to do with myself. I've not been on twitter and now I've come back to it I have no idea what to tweet or how to start a convo with people. I find myself getting bored and logging off before long. I know it will probably come back soon but would hope its sooner rather than later. And would like just a few times for some of my 'friends' to message me to see how I am, so I dont have to do all the chasing.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.5.3

Waiting For A Star To Fall

2010-08-10T12:27:00.000-07:00

Its been a few weeks since my last update and I have really been slacking when it comes to this blog lately. Regrettably I've been a busy with my mind on other things, some that I won't be mentioning here because this isn't the right place for it. But nevertheless I am here now so we should really get on with it. Oh and hello as well.

So the warped world of Simon; what has been going on? Well I am looking for a new job, by looking I mean I'm sitting around in the vein hope that someone will find me and offer me an amazing job offer. I know this won't happen but I've not been totally bone idle, I have applied for a job as a Kitchen Assistant with the view of being trained up to become a fully fledged Chef in my own right. This wasn't my first job choice but the more I thought about it, it's an ideal position for me. It would be giving me training to advance in the career and to learn how to cook which is something I've been wanting to do for a long while now.

I have also meet some really amazing new people on Twitter since my last post. I fall in and out of love with twitter on an almost regular basis but meeting new wonderful people really does restore my faith in it. I know I normally just tweet bollocks with no meaning but people still follow me so it must be a good sign (or they are ignoring me lol).

And finally a fellow employee at my work has seemingly disappeared off the face of the Earth. Nobody has seen him for a week and we have no clue where he had got to. We joke at work about all the possible reasons why he might not be there but in all honesty I may not know him well but it would be a terrible thing if something had happened to him. So hopefully he'll turn up in the next few days and we'll find out he was abducted by Aliens or something.

I think I've gone on to long now but will leave you with this:

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous if you have to tell the group your name???

The Changing Tide

2010-07-28T13:39:00.000-07:00

Posting this on here as well as Tumblr

Here I am again, sat at my computer writing a blog on a somewhat depressing & boring subject.

After many months of Depression, trying to hide & forget it about it, starting anti-depressants then signing myself off them, letting it out in blogs and being all moody I've decided it's time for major change. It's time I stopped sitting around moaning and being miserable & actually did something about it, time I moved on and stopped looking at the past. Time I stopped dwelling on problems that are nothing to do with me, stopped thinking about things that I can't change & instead concentrate on the things in my life that I can change.

Ultimately it's time I actually looked at what I've got sat right in front of me and appreciated it in the way I should have been doing these past few years.

So next week I have the week off work and I'm using it to sort everything out, sort out what I need to do to get my life on track & what I need to change about myself to make myself a better person. To be the funny, happy, lovable Simon I was before the depression kicked in properly. It's also the time I'm going to spend trying to improve my body image so that with luck I start liking my body, my looks and actually believe people when they say I'm cute or good looking.

I'm hopefully that with the support & encouragement of my friends I can actually do this. To be able to make my first big daunting step into being a proper adult, not growing up though as I will forever be a little child inside.

I think I've blabbed enough now, so until next time...

Pack Up

2010-06-19T16:55:00.000-07:00

Everyone feels alone at some point in time, whether its after a break-up with a partner, the death of a loved one or maybe its just because they're having a a bad day and no-one is home when they get in. Everyone feels alone and some people feel alone more than others.

People who suffer from depression are the kind of people who often get the feeling of loneliness more than most people. It's not something that can neccesarrily be helped but happens none the less. Regular readers or friends of mine will know that I am currently going through a stage of Depression and I get this feeling often. But a feeling I get more often is the feeling that I don't fit in, that people don't like me and quite franlkly would rather not talk to me.

I know I'm probably being melodramatic but I try my best to talk to some people and no matter how hard I try, I don't get much of a response or the conversation dies quicker than a Fly that's just took a face full of Raid. I can't tell whether its me just being a crap conversationlist, whether people just dont want to talk to me, whether I'm boring as hell to talk to most of the time or maybe I just dont fit in.

Maybe I'm being stupid and silly or maybe because I'm tired I'm talking total nonsense but this is how I feel. I'm a man that needs & wants to fit in, I want to be everyone's friend and I want everyone to be friends with me. I want to know peoples phone numbers and for people to text me for no good reason, just to say 'Hi'. I want everyone to come to me when they need someone to talk to or need advise. Maybe I'm to demanding....

Putting On My Shades To Cover Up My Eyes

2010-06-11T18:00:00.000-07:00

IIIIIIT'S BLOG TIME AGAIN!!!

I've recently had a big down few days but I'm not going to talk about them cos it's depressing and not that interesting (not that any of this blog is haha).
Instead I'm going to talk about other things because I am in a great mood, I'm happy & the happiest I've been in a long time. I don't quite know why I'm so happy, maybe someone hit me in the face with a happy stick whilst I wasn't looking, who knows it could've happened.

But a few little things have happened to me this week. I've joined DailyBooth and am uploading daily pictures of myself in an attempt to get over my hatred of pictures of myself. I've only been on there about a week now and I've already met some nice & pretty darn cool people =D.

Earlier this evening I managed to make myself burst out laughing like a little girl at my own joke. I can't repeat what the joke is but even if I was to say, it wouldn't be at all funny to anyone else. Was one of those 'had to be there' moments.

And I also learnt about the 'Awkward Turtle' thanks to my lovely friend Miss K and her radio show. I shall explain Awkward Turtle in my next post and leave you to ponder on what it is exactly =P

So all is good with me, hope all is good with you =)

I Like Your Beard

2010-06-03T11:59:00.000-07:00

I know yet again it has been a long time but it has not been because I have forgotten about you all, instead I have been suffering from a considerably long spell of writer's block. But now I am here and I have somethings to write about.

First up I am doing Free Hugs again, WHOOP WHOOP!!! I will be in Southampton High Street on the 3rd July between 11:00am and 3:00pm so feel free to pop on down if your in the area and get yourself a Free Hug. Also I don't mean to brag (well I do really) but I am one very good hugger.

Secondly my beautiful girlfriend is soon to be moving in with me, I say soon because we still dont have a set date for the whole thing yet. I know this is a fairly sizable step for us as we've not been the best together for a while recently but I really believe that this will lead to L being happier in herself, me being happy because she is happy and the both of us working better together.

And finally I went to see Sex and the City 2 last night with my friend. It is in no way my kind of film and would not have been my first, second or even third choice to watch but nevertheless I watched it. And I have to admit it wasn't to bad, granted it definitely wasn't my type of film but it had it's moments. Some of these moments were funny, some were cringe worthy and one particular moment will probably be scarred into my brain forever (which I won't say so as not to ruin the surprise for everyone else). If you liked the first film or the TV show then it is a must see but I would suggest seeing it with your female friends and not your boyfriend as he probably wont appreciate it.

Until next time....

The Rebirth of....

2010-05-11T10:05:00.000-07:00

Christ!!!

OK so going with the big man Jebus is probably being a little big-headed on my part but nevertheless I am back. I have had a bit of time away from Twitter, AidsBook and general texting to spend some much deserved quality time with my better half and to re-evaluate my current situation. It has been a good time away and managed to do things I've not done for quite awhile now (mainly due to lack of interest on my part) and came to a decision about my life in general.

As most of you probably already know I have been on Anti-depressants to try and help me fix my problems and to become a better person in myself. Now for the most part the pills have been a massive help and have made me feel better within myself but the one thing the pills can't do is actually fix my problems, they merely just mask the problems. So after a fair bit of deliberation and careful thought I have decided to take myself off the pills and work at improving both my life and the life of my better half. I've been off them for 3 days now and I feel good, in a way I feel free and liberated. I'm hoping this feeling will last and I don't end up slumped in my bed all moody and depressed by the end of the week because that would be utterly crap.

Anyways I'm rambling so I shall love you and leave you, in the meantime I'm going to take a little trip to Googleland and try and find myself a possible outfit for my 'possible' birthday party...

Toodle-Pipski

Passing By

2010-05-05T08:36:00.000-07:00

Here I am once after a considerable absence and in that time I've had a lot of time to think to myself.

My thoughts have led me to realise that I shouldn't be allowed to have friends. I try my best to be a good friend but all I seem to accomplish is causing an insurmountable amount of problems for both me and my friends. It would seem that the only way in which I can be a good friend is to not talk to anyone at all, to not make friends with people in the first place. So after much contemplation I've decided that for the short term that I am going to disappear, cease to exist in the online world and no longer use my phone. I can't be sure if this will be a good choice or not but judging by almost every decision I've ever made the chances are that it will be a horrible decision.

So until next time whenever that is, goodbye...

Time Forgets

2010-03-28T10:10:00.000-07:00

Hello once again and I am back to report on my second week on the road to recovery. Unfortunately I don't have mini-doughnuts this week, just a scented candle to accompany me.

Now everyone has told me that the first two weeks are the worse when on anti-depressants because your body has to adjust to them but I neglected to think just how hard it would be. This week everything seems to have got to me no matter how small, my mind just seems to take it and make it ten times worse. Work, organising the better half's 21st, helping with uni work, dealing with everyone else's problems; all of it just became to much and I had to ask for time off work before I went crazy and did something stupid.
I won't lie to you all and I did at one point this week think everyone would be better off if I just drove my car into a lamppost at high speed, but I thankfully I didn't get any further than thinking it. I'm genuinely hoping that this week is going to get better, be a good week, that this evening will be the kick start to me being a happier, better person.

I would to take this opportunity to thank my better half for always being there for me. I know I give her a lot of stress, hassle and trouble but I genuinely do love her. I don't do much showing of public emotion online or when we're out but I love her so much and would be an even bigger mess if it wasn't for her and hope she knows just how much I love her.

I don't know what else to say so until next time.

Maybe

2010-03-19T16:12:00.000-07:00

Week One is over, and so I've sat down to write my piece on it whilst eating a box of mini doughnuts (not overly healthy but they make me feel better).

So how has my first week on the pills been?

It's been a bit of an up and down week really and just been getting used to the pills and the side effects I've been having, some being easier to deal with than others. Now if I'm honest I think I've been fairly lucky having not had as many side effects as I thought I would have gotten. I've randomly felt sick at times but that normally passed within 10 minutes, I've had trouble getting up in the morning which is a big problem as I start work at 6 in the morning and I've had an up and down mood. This week I seem to have one or two good days where I feel great and then have one bad day that's takes me a step backwards.
I'm desperately trying to look on the brighter side, to not let this get me down, to talk about my problems and not bottle it all up until I explode or take my anger out on certain people but it's been hard. Today for example was a bad day; i was late for work and genuinely looked like I'd had about an hours sleep and spent that hour in a bush recovering from one heavy night of drinking Cillit Bang (or some similar cleaning product). Thankfully I saw the better half this evening and I am now in a very good mood and hence having the ability to write this entry.

I'm really hoping that this good mood can last more than one or two days and I can keep this going for at least a week, if i can I will consider that a great personal achievement but as always I will endeavour to keep you all up to date.

On a lighter note I had a dream last night that I can no longer remember. All I can remember is waking from said dream at 3 in the morning wondering whether or not it was a dream or really happened, and oddly felt like I'd had some kind of premonition of future events. If only I could remember what the bloody dream was.

Hope

2010-03-12T14:17:00.000-08:00

Today was a big day for me as I faced a fear I have had for many years; I went to the Doctors to discuss my problems. I'm aware this may not seem like a big problem but I'm not really one for dealing with or talking about my problems. I have a tendency to shy away from my own problems, covering them up with a smiling face, laughter or someone else's problems so that I don't have to face or deal with my own. I have done this for a little over 10 years now and there are reasons behind this, reasons I shan't divulge because I don't want to bore you all to death with it.

All this repressing, denying and refusing to face things has lead to having a rather messed up head. Days where I am fine and happy as can be, yet some days I will be the most miserable, depressing and grumpy bastard ever; where I hide myself away from everyone to stop anyone asking how I am. I had one of these days recently where I broke down at work, and however much I tried I just couldn't stop masking it anymore and after a much needed hug I just cried for about 10 Min's. I know not many men would admit to this, especially in a blog that some of his workmates have access to and could possibly read but regardless of the stick I may or may not get I need to write it.

It was this breakdown, the many people who have spoke to me about my problems and mainly a promise I made to my good friend Miss P that made me pluck up the courage to go to the Doctors. Having got there early I had to sit there for half an hour getting more nervous and scared about what was going to happen in his little office. Fortunately I didn't have to endure half an hour of the coughing old lady who seems to be in every Doctor's Surgery, instead I had the screaming toddler.
But then I was called in, I sat down and spoke about everything in my life as honestly as I could and I have been officially diagnosed as depressed. According to his little question thing I'm on the border of Moderately and Moderately Severely depressed and have been put on anti-depressants. This isn't what I'd say I was hoping to get out the visit but at least it's some kind of action in the right direction.

So I have a few weeks of pills, which no doubt will make me ill for first two weeks, yet hopefully will work in the long run. If I still don't feel like nothing is changing then I'm probably going to be recommended for counselling which will be another jarring concept but I'll hit that hurdle if/when I get to it. At the moment I'm just hoping I am on the long and winding road to recovery and would like to take this opportunity to thank all the people who have been there for me and helped me by listening to me when I needed a shoulder to cry on or a friendly chat. You have all been amazing and without you all I would no doubt be worse than I already am.

Thank You

The Sunbeams They Scatter

2010-02-21T02:32:00.000-08:00

I said I was going to keep everyone updated but like I also said I will probably forget and thus I did. But I thought I can't really leave this specific update of the move out from my blog as it is the most important of them all.

This update being that I have moved. I am no longer at my parents house in my room with no window, a single bed and a small amount of space. I'm now in my grandparent's house with a sizable window, a double bed, loads of space and my nan's poodle who seems to spend most of his time laid on the end of my bed.

Although this is early days and I've only been here two nights so far I'm already considerably happier and the supply of actual daylight now might mean I won't be looking quite so pale and vampire like anymore and I finally will be getting some colour in my cheeks (as everyone keeps saying). I've still got a few minor things from my parents to bring over and a few people to contact and inform of my change of address but I'm practically all moved and soon when I have a bit of money spare I will start to redecorate and truly make this room my own.

On another note I went to town yesterday to pick up something from Argos and in the High Street were five people giving out Free Hugs. Admittedly they weren't wearing Free Hugs t-shirts and their signs were written on a piece of paper stuck to broken bits of cardboard from a Carling beer packet but it's the thought that counts. And as a self admitted supporter and man of Free Hugs I couldn't refuse the offer and gave them all a hug and had a little chat about how I'd done it before. In a way I'd like to say that they stole my idea but I stole it as well so I can't and I'm pleased and oddly proud that more people are taking the initiative to give out Free Hugs.

Moving Forward

2010-02-07T08:16:00.000-08:00

I am finally moving my life onwards and upwards but how I hear you ask, well I shall explain.

For a good few months now I've been playing with the notion of moving out of my house with my parents & sisters and moving into my Nan's house. Now I know this isn't exactly a huge change, moving from a house with family members into another but it is a change that I so desperately need. For there are many good points about this move; I get a double bed, I get more room, I get a more certain and assertive level of freedom, I get to do more of my own cooking/cleaning and (the main draw) I get my own window.

I can hear many of you sat there now thinking "You don't have a window? Where do you sleep in a cupboard under the stairs? A Cupboard?". That isn't the case although being able to say I'm the next Harry Potter would be pretty funny for a little while, but alas my room was one whole room which was partitioned down the middle, one half belonging to my sister and the other half mine (the one without the window). There was one main advantage with not having a window but it was also one of it's biggest disadvantages, being that it is a warm room which is great in Winter but horrendous in the Summer. The lack of space to fit a double bed in this current room means it's a tight squeeze whenever the better half comes over and stays the night, and the extra body adds significantly to the heat of the room.

Now I am on the move I will be leaving these problems behind, moving to a better room and maybe even a better house. I have at least two weeks before I can start thinking about the actual day of moving but with any luck it will fly by and I'll soon be worrying about changing my address on everything instead of getting all my clothes/tv etc down there.

I will endevour to try and keep this blog up to date with my progress but like everything I try to do I tend to forget so I can't guarentee regular updates. So until next time Auf Weidersen and so see you all soon.

My Suit

2010-01-21T12:39:00.000-08:00

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening Everyone (delete as applicable)

It has been a little while but I feel the need to share this with the world. Now I've always been a bit of a suit man, although I never really dress up that smart I do love dressing up in a great suit/smart shirt & trousers combo. It gives me a kind of sense of self-importance and is one of the few times when I think that I actually look alright, that I'm not that ugly of a man. And I have found the most amazing suit and I am determined to get it (it is a little pricey for me but I don't care lol).

Fans of the almightly Dr Who might recognise this suit as the suit that David Tennant wears as the Doctor. Now that in itself is reason enough to buy it (especially for a nerd like me), but it is in it's right a great suit. Since finding a website that sales this suit I have fallen in love with it more, and as I said before, I'm determined to get it. So look out in future because you may just see a really substandard imitation of The Doctor floating about on this blog in the future.

Celebrity

2010-01-10T11:13:00.000-08:00

The below text and video is from James@War's Youtube page and carries a message that I agree with so I'm sharing it with you in the hope you'll do the same.

"Sometime Message is more important than Lolz
It's great to admire people, but you don't have to be like someone else, or be rich & famous to be made of pure awesome. You're awesome just the way you are! If you agree with that message, share this vid with your friends on twitter, facebook, youtube, and any other social network you may be a part of! I hear some people even talk to one another...like...with their mouths. Weird but true!"

View and Subscribe to James@War's Youtube Page here: http://www.youtube.com/user/JamesatWar

Where to Next???

2009-12-15T12:57:00.000-08:00

It is becoming evident to me that this Blog may soon solely become a 'Free Hugs' based blog. I'm not saying this isn't a bad thing but I will try to include my normal rubbish posts where i rant about something totally useless and random.

So onto the 'Free Hugs' and this time I would like your input on it. I'm currently trying to think of the next place for me to carry on my campaign and I've come up with a few ideas (some of which will require me to do a lot of work for). Anyway here are my choices:

Southampton High Street (again)
Southampton Rail Station
Southampton Airport Arrivals (requires a lot of work)
Another High Street

These are all I have at the moment so which do you think is best and if you can think of anywhere else that would be good please let me know. I don't know quite how many people read my blog but I want to say a big Thank You to you all for reading it and helping me to make my blog better.

On another non 'Free Hugs' note, I received an email the other day about being paid to write blogs for this site. I thought "hmmm, sounds interesting", so I did a bit of research into the site and decided that it just wasn't for me unfortunately. There were to many rules and stipulations to the blogs you write that I quite frankly don't have the time or concentration to be able to write them. Well I think that is all, once again thanks to you all and until next time, enjoy yourselves.

Free Hugs Day

2009-12-12T14:46:00.000-08:00

So today was my day for giving out Free Hugs so I better explain how it all happened.

Well after a little traffic & sign making delay I finally got into the High Street at about 11.15 with my sign folded up in my hand and my t-shirt on. I preceeded to stand leaning up against a wall for about 20 mins, the butterflies building & building within my stomach. Feeling even more of a let down and ultimately a twat for not being able to pull myself to hold a sign up in the air. I then walked down and stood outside Burger King whilst waiting for my girlfriend to turn up so I had someone to walk with and give me a bit of confidence. But it wasn't until I started walking down the road with Jimmy from work when he finally got me to hold the sign up and stood in the High Street with me on his lunch to make me feel better.

Then slowly and surely the Hugs started coming, some people on their own and some people part of a group. People of all ages come up to me for Hugs: Kids, Teenagers, Middle-aged Men, OAPs, everyone and anyone wanted a Hug. Once the Hugs got going I started to wonder why I was bricking it in the first place, it was the very quickly becoming easier and more comfortable standing in the High Street holding up a crappily made sign.

Here are some of my Highlights of the day:

The 5 girls who hugged me outside Burger King while I was crapping it, too nervous to hold up the sign.
The 2 Drunk guys who helped me get hugs by promoting me in the street & forcing people to give me hugs.
The Lady who gave me a kiss as well as a Hug
The Lady who offered to buy me a Coffee as I was doing such a wonderful thing
The teenage boy who told me I was an Inspiration
The dad with his little toddler son on his shoulders who gave me a hug, then bent down so I could hug his son
The Elderly lady who told me she thought I was lovely and a great person
The Policeman who gave me a Hug instead of moving me on
The other dad who carried his young son up to me for a hug
The girl who came back 4 times after her first hug
The boys & girls who joined me in giving out Free Hugs (and who I left with my sign to carry on the Hugs when I had to leave town)
The countless teenagers who told me they loved me
The "youtube" guy who gave a great idea of something else to do
The big guy who lifted me off the floor with his hug
The girl who did a running hug and kneed in the balls by accident (or I hope so)
The massive group hugs I gave
All the people who took pictures
The lady in the wheelchair who hugged me
And to many to not or remember

In total I got around (if not over) 15o Hugs today and it was easily the best 3 hours I've spent of this year. The smiles on people's faces, having someone tell you that you've made their day when you've just give them a hug is the best feeling in the world, there is nothing that can compare to the warm feeling inside. I dont often smile of a regular basis but during today's Free Hugs I was smiling all the time, even smiling at random people as they walked past.
Below are 2 messages I was sent this evening from 2 people I hugged today and it's stuff like this that made the standing out in the cold well worth it:

"Wow lucky you!, it made my day!. After having a tough week at work and battling the shopping was a breath of fresh air!. I enjoyed taking part in the flashmob it was a great experience and your hugs was excellent idea ;o)"

"Hey, thanks for the hugs today, my three friends and I all had a great day and this just topped it off. :)"

I urge you all to do your own Free Hugs in your local high street, I guarantee it'll be one the best moments of your life and one of the happiest. Finally remember to Hug anyone and everyone you know.
I'm part of a Free Hugs movement, are you going to join me???

The Personal Touch

2009-12-09T09:01:00.000-08:00

Been having a bit of an Up & Down kind of day today for reasons that are unbeknown to me. I woke up this morning in a 'What the Fuck' state of mind. You know the mornings where you wake up, your bed is laid out totally different to when you went to sleep and it's all just a little too strange to contemplate that you've been fidgeting in your sleep (no, only me then?)

Anyway I'm digressing, as I was explaining I then went to work in a general average mood, felt better whilst doing the delivery and halfway through the delivery I felt down in the dumps. I was properly feeling depressed and I've no idea why. I'd done nothing different during delivery, it wasn't an unmanageable delivery, everything was pretty much the same as it always is. About an hour later I felt happy and fine again and throughout the day at work I've been up and down more times than a Yo-Yo. But as always when I'm feeling down my head tends to do that somewhat dangerous thing called 'thinking'.

Today's 'thinking' subject was that I'm pretty sure I have some kind of mental problem on some level. The reason for this being that I speak to a lot of people online whether it be via Facebook, Msn, Twitter or whatever and I want to get to know the majority of these people. I know this is relatively normal but I want to get to know these people on a personal level, to be their friend and a good personal friend to them, the kind of friend they will turn to when they need someone to talk to. I know with most people this isn't the case and I can't be friends with everyone but I feel the urge to carry on trying to chat to them in the faint hope that this will happen., they will one day turn to me and I will be there able to offer the listening ear and shoulder to cry on that they need.

I'm not sure what is causing my wanting feelings to be everyone's best mate, whether it was the lack of real life friends when I was younger, the lack of a true friend with whom I can trust 100% with whatever I go to them with or that I sub-consciously love dealing with problems and the happy, warm feeling I get inside when I know I've helped someone. It could be any of these, maybe all three or maybe even something different although. Either way this is going to be floating about in my head for the rest of the evening, with the hope I'll have such a good evening I'll have forgotten all about this come Eight o'clock. Maybe I'm just overthinking but ending on a good note I'm in a good mood at the moment and with luck it will stay that way.

Best Thing Ever

2009-12-05T12:31:00.000-08:00

I first saw this video about 2 years ago and it made me feel happy deep inside, a feeling I don't regularly get. A feeling that I get when I achieve something worthwhile, when I see a truly wonderful video, hear an amazingly beautiful piece of music or on the rare occasion when I feel good about myself. But this video achieved that feeling and made me have an even stronger love for hugs (which are the best thing ever).

A hug can bring about an abundance of feelings from within both you and the person you hug, all of them good feelings. It can make you feel happy, warm, loved, wanted and can make even the most miserable people crack a smile. There is no greater feeling than the one you get when your feeling sad or lonely and someone notices and comes and gives you a hug without even asking, just completely out of the blue. It is that reason why I love hugs so much.

I love to give hugs and I love to receive them, there is nothing that can match it. This video has inspired to give out more hugs, and even to stage my own FREE HUGS event which will be taking place this Saturday. Where I will be stood in the High Street for a couple of hours giving out Free hugs to any of the shoppers who want one, I know its a considerably odd and weird thing to do but as long as one person goes away with a smile on their face then it will all be worth it.

I urge all of you to hug your friends, family and even random strangers as often and as much as you can. Help Juan Mann, Me and many of the other people in the world who are trying to spread love and joy through the power of hugs. They are simple, easy to do and free so please get hugging and realise just what you were missing.

I Need You

2009-12-01T09:54:00.000-08:00

Hello Puddin'

If you are reading this blog, I need your help. I am currently thinking of doing another video blog but I'm totally out of ideas of what to speak about, which is where you lovely people come in.
I would like some subjects (no matter how random) to talk about in my video blog. Thankfully this blog will be done in my normal voice & not a rubbish accent like my previous ones. So if you have any ideas or suggestions then send me them on twitter, msn or whatever means you have of contacting me.

Additionally I am still looking for guest writers for this blog so if you fancy a crack at it then let me know and we'll go from there.

I hope you are all well and are all in the festive mood =)

Snatch Wars

2009-11-27T14:56:00.000-08:00

No before you start thinking it, this post is not about some cheap, terrible porn movie. It is in fact about quite possibly, one of the greatest Star Wars videos on Youtube.
No amount of explanation will do this justice so instead; sit back, relax and prepare to laugh your head off at 2 things that should never go together but somehow work brilliantly.

Get a Life

2009-11-26T09:36:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone I know it's been a long time and my blog for a week thing didn't really pick up but I am back again *cue mild applause*

So the blogging and before I start you will need to watch the below video to understand what I am going on about.

Having watched that you are probably thinking "What the Fuck!?" or sat there pissing yourself with laughter, or maybe a bit of both but either way this guy is a total retard.
Now anyone who knows me in the slightest will know that I am an avid Playstation 3 gamer and love my gaming. That said I would never spend 17 hours (straight) on one game and then realise that I don't like it and can't get into it. I normally know within an hour whether or not I like a game and at worst I'll turn the game off after throwing the controller on my bed in a blind rage.
Never would I cry over a game or proceed to film myself crying and punching a wall in anger at a game. Yeah it is bloody annoying when a supposedly good game turns out to be the biggest pile of poo since Haze but to actually hurt yourself over it, why?? And also why for a 17 hour gaming session are you drinking milk? don't get me wrong I love milk; it's white, tastes nice and is full of calcium but surely Red Bull or Coffee would have been more suitable (although having seen him on milk, putting him on Coffee would've been a totally different video).

It's clear for all to see that this guy has genuine mental issues and really needs to go get some help for not only being a little to addicted to computer games, but for anger issues, emotional state of mind and for general common sense. Although he might have had this planned all along to make himself some kind of internet smash hit but has wonderfully backfired into him becoming a laughing stock and a total knobhead.

I shall stop now cos I could go on all night, but I will say if ever there was someone to demonstrate why you shouldn't play computer games for hours on end then it is this guy.

Question Time

2009-10-29T10:55:00.000-07:00

No this isn't a blog about the BBC's political TV show. As I am out of ideas today I have decided to render this blog as your chance to find out more about me.

So I'm posing it to you to Ask me Anything. You can ask how ever many questions you want, however personal you want. Either send me the questions via email, facebook or twitter if you have me on there.

So I sit with bated breath in the hope of some questions and until tomorrow, Toodle-Pipski

Newsaround

2009-10-28T13:34:00.000-07:00

Ok I'm going to do little snippets on some of today's news. So don't expect anything to be too serious or make much sense really.

First up it's the suicide bombers who stormed a UN guesthouse in the city, set off their bombs and killed at least five UN workers. The taliban have claimed responsability and thats the bit I like; when they 'claim' responsability. It always puts the image of the USA stood over this room of small terrorist groups saying "Who did it? I know it was one of you and you'll be in less trouble if you own up now rather than me finding out for myself?", as if they are children who've broke a vase. Then you get the Taliban sat over in the corner who raise their hands and admit to it, the sorry look in their eyes of someone who knows they've done wrong.

In political news there is more crap on the MP's expenses. Now I hate MP's as much as the next taxpayer but I'm bored of it now, I know they dodge the system and will probably continue to do so. It's the way government and politics works; loads of suited knobs lying all the time and lining their stupidly overpaid pockets with more of mine and your money.

And in entertainment news Barbara Windsor has quit Eastenders. Not much I say about that as I don't really watch it but not having her annoying shouting going on all the time will be at least be some kind of relief for my ears I mean surely by now the whole square has been barred from there??

Glitter & Dust

2009-10-27T12:52:00.000-07:00

It is Day 2 of my blogging and to start with work was very busy today. We had a massive delivery in today, a few other deliveries and it would seem everybody wanted help with moving fixtures, etc. All in all I was a wanted man, normally i wouldn't have a problem with this but when I have my own work to be getting on with it bothers me. Needless to say we got delivery sorted, I managed to get halfway through cleaning our basement which left me finishing the day covered in glitter and dust (don't ask about the glitter it's a long story).

But it wasn't until I got in from work and turned on the Tv did I find something to blog about. To explain I turned on the Tv, ITV showed up and Alan Titchmarsh was on with 3 guests debating the Jimmy Carr gag that has been brought to light recently. I'm going to call it 'Jimmygate' because it seems any scandal these days has to end in Gate (although not to sure what is so scandalous about a gate?).

The joke was this: "Say what you like about these servicemen amputees from Iraq and Afghanistan, but we’re going to have a fucking good Paralympic team in 2012."

I could go on & on about this but I'll keep it to the basic points; it's a joke & not meant to cause offence, Jimmy Carr has said he's sorry if it caused anyone offence, I've seen a amputee serviceman agree with the joke and say he found it funny And I heard somewhere that it was an amputee serviceman who gave him the joke. They have essentially forced censorship of this joke because now he has dropped the gag from his tour. If the current trend of Political Correctness and censorship of humour continues then sooner or later we'll be living in a country where slapstick is deemed unacceptable. If this was the case I would probably form a underground rebel group where we worship Frankie Boyle as our god because in this kind of humour he is one of the best & funniest.

In summation it is a joke, lighten up people and if you don't like it then you don't have to watch and/or listen to it.

A short trial

2009-10-26T13:28:00.000-07:00

In an attempt to get better at writing I've decided to set myself up with a little trial/challenge. I'm going to attempt to write a blog entry everyday for at least a week, if all goes well I might make it a semi-permanent thing. So to start off with I shall talk about work; as it was my first day back after week off today.

To be honest today was a pretty good day at work (which makes a change), I have unofficially been put in charge of the Stockroom I work in so have a little more weight on my shoulders. I'm relishing the opportunity, hoping that I will be able to show this week that I'm more than capable of leadership and to a degree management potential. Today was a good start as we managed to clear all the delivery we got in today and the considerable amount of back logged alcohol & Christmas from last week.
It seems that at this rate of work all 3 of the stockrooms we have in store will be spotless by end of the week & my head may possibly inflate by about 3 sizes. I have other reasons for this week to go brilliantly but I shall not divulge them for personal reasons.

If it all goes well I will let you all know but at the moment it is all going to plan and I'm feeling this week might just be the best week of work I've had in all the months I've been there.

The Will to Act

2009-10-25T05:29:00.000-07:00

The purpose of life is not to be happy - but to matter, to be productive, to be useful, to have it make some difference that you have lived at all. ~Leo Rosten

I was flicking through pages on the net when I came across this quote, I read it and at first I didn't think much about it. But for some reason I re-read it, absorbed it and it struck a chord with me. The more I think about it, the more I realise that I have no purpose in my life, I have done nothing in my life to have made my life worthwhile. In all my 21 years I've done nothing that would stand out if I happened to kick the bucket tomorrow, the only thing I can think of that would have made me worth living is the help & support I have given many of my friends over the past 6 years.

I feel like I need to do more, I need to do something of substance. I know I'm not going to cure cancer or stop Famine in 3rd world countries but there is other things I can do. Which is why I'm supporting the charity efforts of Believabelles so much, yet like my life I feel there is more I can do. I want to do more and something big to help yet I'm useless at almost everything so struggle to find something to do which would help. That said I'm not going to let this point defeat me and I'm adamant that I will find that something. Not necessarily something that will get me publicised credit because that's not what I'm after but something of substance and value that will make myself feel happy with what I've done.

This also struck a chord with me today and has stuck in my head since this morning.

A Good Cause

2009-10-22T03:57:00.000-07:00

I've not really blogged much lately due to lack of time or inspiration on what to write about. But I've finally got round to finding the time to write this one which is about Believabelles and why I'm pledging full support to them.

Believabelles consist of 3 girls (Leanne, Lisa & Alanah) who are cycling from London to Paris next year to raise money for Livestrong and to help raise cancer awareness.
Full details of the believabelles & links to all their sites can be found on their blog: http://believabelles.blogspot.com/

Now I know of the Believabelles from being a follower of Leanne on twitter and reading her tweets about believabelles. Since reading about it I have been supporting them in anyway way I can, be it re-tweeting them, tweeting celebs to try and get support, donating money & looking into other ways to promote them and spreading the word (hopefully something fruitful will happen with current things I'm working on).

My reason behind showing such support for the girls is due to a close family friend losing his battle with cancer about a month ago and that inspired me to do something to help raise awareness of cancer and the Believabelles were right there to jump on their bandwagon so to speak. My other reason being that I like Leanne, if I'm being honest I can't really say we're proper friends because we don't really know each other & everything I know about her has come from reading her tweets and her blog. But from reading them she seems really cool, nice, a genuinely great person and has managed to stay strong through her experiences with cancer.
She deserves all the love and support that she receives and will continue to receive so I implore you to follow them today and to donate whatever little you can.

Take Me in Your Arms

2009-10-05T11:56:00.000-07:00

I know this song is 10 years old but I have recently rediscovered it and I love it just as much now as I did then, unfortunately I can't embed it . =D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NCKMuUchvcU

Life

2009-09-28T14:12:00.000-07:00

Today has been a rather solemn and grey day for some of my family. The reason behind this being that a really good friend of the family sadly passed away this morning after losing his battle with cancer. I personally never knew him that well and in a way I feel I should have made more of an effort to talk to him and get to know him more when he visited us.

Although he wasn't a really good friend of mine his passing has had me thinking about life and how I waste my life. I more or less throw my money away, I never just live life to its fullest, I don't stick up for myself and I'm always negative about myself. If it wasn't for my girlfriend and the few friends who entrust me with their problems on a regular my life would be a huge waste of space.

I feel I need to have a good sit down and re-evaluate my life, weed out all the bad habits and start living life for what it is; the single longest & greatest thing anyone ever does.

And my heart goes out to anyone who has lost someone to cancer or is currently dealing with cancer is some way, and I can only hope that I live to see the day a significant breakthrough in the fight against cancer is made and we're a huge step closer to a cure or prevention.

Mundarity of Work

2009-09-21T11:34:00.000-07:00

So this is my 2nd blog in two days (I think I might be ill or something), and I need to be a little apprehensive with what I write because people from my work can access this blog.

Well today was my first day back at work after my much due week off and I'd be lying if I didn't say I was hoping to go back to a nice, tranquil environment. I say hoping because I know it would never happen and low and behold I arrived into work this morning to be greeted with stockrooms looking like someone has bombed TKMaxx and a delivery bay full of mannequins that made it look like some kind of retail murder scene. But still relaxed I was determined not to let anything get to me today and I think it's safe to say I succeeded, this mainly in part to the fact I had some rather good news today.

My training plan for a job role I'm going for is in the works, I'm getting a helping hand at work and everything at the moment seems to be going in my favour. I'm not sure if the early mornings will get to me this week but I'm hoping I'll stay in this good mood all week and have a wondrous, fun filled week ahead of me.

And as a much disliked Yazz once said: "The only way is up, baby".

A Return

2009-09-20T07:05:00.000-07:00

After much thought and deliberation I have decided that I'm going to continue in my Blog writing. I know I'm not going be able to emulate the great blog writing skills of some of my twitter friends but then again I'm not them and never will be. I have to accept that I'm rather inept at writing.

I've also come to realise that there are many things in my life that I need to change in my life starting with one item that eats away a large chunk of my life, my Playstation. Having spent the majority of last week at Louise's I realised that my life kind of revolves around that black box that I carry with me everywhere I go. When I'm not playing it I'm bored and when I am, I'm normally bored too. There is so much more I could be doing with that free time which is why I've decided that I'm going to educate myself more. From now on I'm going to read more, well I say more what I mean is I'm actually going to read.

I think I'm going to start by re-reading all the Harry Potter books, then maybe move onto Twilight books, maybe Dan Brown and then who knows. I'm also going to make a concious effort to watch more films and educate myself that way. Hopefully I will be able to stick to this and like all addictions I'll have to slowly start waning myself off the Ps3.

My Last Day

2009-08-19T08:38:00.000-07:00

So once again I am here writing another blog post but I feel this could be my last. After spending a week reading through the blogs I follow I've come to the conclusion that I'm not cut out as a writer and I'm to boring and uninteresting to be able to write a decent blog.

While all the blogs I read are updated often, from the heart and (to me) considerably well written. Mine are poorly written and have no real purpose or point in being online. Even as I write this blog I'm struggling to find the words to use.

So I think it's time to think things over, and depending on the outcome this might just be my final blog.

High Five!!!

2009-08-09T03:18:00.000-07:00

It has become apparent to me that many people in this world do not understand simple things that 'just are'. For example when you eat a Jaffa Cake you have to remove the jelly bit, you can't just eat it whole or when you see a sign that says "Wet Paint" you can't not touch it. Another of these is when someone raises their hand into the high-five position you automatically high-five them (especially if they say High-Five).

Whilst at work last week I discovered that this is seemingly not the case. On numerous occasions with different people I offered out a high five only to be greeted with strange looks and an air of confusion as to why I was stood there with one hand in the air. I can't think of any other reason why I'd be stood in front of someone holding one hand in the air other than a high-five (unless I was in court and to ask for a high-five in court is a bit inappropriate).

I personally feel that I going to have to re-educate everyone at my work on this simple unwritten rule and mainly it's my first job because everyone in my Saturday job knows and understands this rule. But I will say one thing, if your reading this and I ever offer a high-five to you then I expect you to give me one =)

A Random Rant

2009-08-05T14:29:00.000-07:00

I will at some point make an effort to make a proper video blog but until then you'll have to settle for my rubbish, very amateur ones =)

The Grand Total

2009-08-04T10:10:00.000-07:00

Just a quick update and no video blog for this one cos it'd be a total waste of time lol

So my money week is over and the total has been added up, well I say added up I mean rounded up to the nearest pound.

So the total I spent on food & drink whilst at work (Mon-Sat) was:

*Insert Drum Roll Here*

Fifty-Six Pound!!! *Boo, Hiss*

I know it is an excessively stupid amount of money but I have already got myself on the road to recovery. I made myself a packed lunch last night and took it to work today =D *High Five*
I know most people will say this won't last but I'm determined to make it last and on that note I shall bid you all goodbye because I'm now off to make my lunch for tomorrow. =)

Money Week Update 2

2009-07-30T13:22:00.001-07:00

It's crap and the sound doesn't match up but it's the best I could do before my laptop and everything else just died on me.

Money Week

2009-07-28T13:25:00.000-07:00

Ok people I am spending this week taking an account of just how much money I spend on food and drink during the week. Reason for this is because I spend way to much and need to cut down but in order to do that I need to find out how much I'm battling against.

So we are on day 2 of the big money total and that total is: £27.58

I shall post next money total in a couple of days time.

Bad Parenting is all to common

2009-07-13T09:32:00.000-07:00

Ok so I've been struggling to think of something to write a blog about for a couple of weeks now, but that was until the other day when whilst walking outside my local shops I overheard a woman talking to her child & saying the most irritating and annoying thing I've heard for ages.

Now I'm not saying that I'm a great parent or I am brilliant at raising kids because I'm not. I've not had kids and thus don't really have the right to criticise someone for the way they bring up or talk to their kids. That said I have spent most of my life around younger brothers, sisters or friends kids and it's safe to say I know what is right and/or wrong. But what this woman said was wrong to me and she could have and should have handled the situation differently.

Basically the problem was that she was pushing an empty buggy and her son was running off in front, past the shops and up to the corner at the end of the shops. Now in an attempt to stop her son running off she (on more than one occassion) said this to him:

"There's a naughty man around the corner and he'll take you away if you go round there".

Now it may just be me but I think this is completely wrong and should never said to a child. I am fully aware that strangers and paedophiles are roaming the streets and do sometimes snatch children but still does not mean you can use them in this way. There are parents who live in fear of their kids being taken by paedophiles and don't let them play out on their own like I used to, yet some parents see fit to use these disgraceful & unwanted members of society as a weapon with which they can attempt to control their children with.
It is wrong and genuinely got me irate. What is wrong with the sound and pretty solid advice I was given as a kid:

"Don't talk to Strangers" and "Don't take things from Strangers"

That works and its better and less damaging than telling your kid there is a man in the bushes who'll come and take you if your naughty. Personally I find parents who are like this a disgrace themselves, who need to become better parents instead of trying to scare their kids into do what they want with the fear of a paedophile lurking in the bushes or round the nearest corner.

Rant Over!!!

The Week of Isolation

2009-06-26T04:22:00.000-07:00

I am back. Finally after spending a week at Louise's uncles house sitting I am home. Back home to a house with Internet, a house where I can update my facebook, see what my friends have been up to, post new blogs, send tweets and play my Ps3 online with annoying American kids whose only insults are calling people 'Fags' & 'Noobs' and my god how I've missed it.

It's commonly said that you don't realise what you had until it's gone. This is very true, it wasn't until I was forced to live in a house without the Internet that I realised just how dependant I have become on it, how much of my time is spent on it and how without it I feel lost, empty and like I have nothing to do. I know this all points to the fact that the Internet has taken over our lives, has ruined my creativity and imagination & leads me to be a very sad man but I don't care. It's fair to say that I live on the Internet and the large majority of my friends are people I talk to via the use of Msn, Facebook, Person etc. Without the Internet I'd have even less friends than I do have now and because of that sole reason I am happy and glad to be called a sad, internet dependant nerd. It is worked into my personality and it is part of what makes me, me.

On another note it's my birthday today & I am the big 21 (I feel older sometimes). I am going out into town for a few celebratory drinks with no idea who will be joining altogether. Almost all of my invites have come back maybe whilst quite a few more have come back; "Sorry I can't make it". I get the daunting feeling that there will only be about 5 of us going out in total, but if that is the case then those of us that are out will just have to enjoy ourselves that little bit more.

I will post a blog of what happens tonight if I can remember any of it =)

To The Dogs

2009-06-10T09:57:00.000-07:00

"This country has gone to the Dogs."

A phrase that I've only ever heard spoken by old men, a phrase I never thought I would hear myself speak until I was at least 40 years old but here I am. Sat here speaking the only words that are currently ringing through my head, those words being; "This country has gone to the Dogs."

What has bought this about I hear you ask, well I shall tell you. It all started yesterday when while doing my work and minding my own business a group of around 6 chavs decided it would be fun to take the mick out of the birthmark on my arm. Obviously I've had it since the day I was born and I've gotten used to it but it 's been a good 6/7 years since someone has took the piss out of it. I really didn't expect to end up so riled and worked up by it but it is understandably irritating and frustrating when a bunch of kids (who are probably 6-8 years my junior) start giving you mouth for no apparent reason. Giving people abuse because they think it's fun and a good laugh, or maybe because it's just something to do. But I resisted the urge to say something or hit one of them because I'm a better person.

Ultimately though these do this because they have no respect for other people and mainly they do it because we let them. Gone are the days when, as a kid, if you gave a Copper some lip he'd give you a clout round the ear hole and take you home where your mum would do the same. Now I'm not agreeing that hitting children is right but I believe that in extreme cases a swift smack round the back of the head is needed. I had it done to me and it has done me no harm, actually it has probably made me a better person for it.

But thanks to the EU and various laws it has made up it is now seemingly not aloud to be stood within 3 feet of a minor and breath due to possible aggravation or harm you could be causing them. I think it's about time that we all stood up to this "yobs" and taught them a bit of respect, I mean for Christ's sake there are more of us than them. I never did it but I whole heartedly agree with all the old people who say that National Service should be brought back because we need it and we need a government who aren't afraid to crack down on the kids & criminals of today.

Now I don't mean an american style of policing where they just beat the crap out of you but a return to old policing where there was always a bobby on patrol and everyone in the neighbourhood knew and respected him. We're letting the kids of today get away with murder and generally be hooligans and disrespectful members of society. And what worries me the most is that these kids are the future of this country and at the moment it's looking very bleak to me.

Got that Crunchie Feeling?

2009-06-05T08:42:00.000-07:00

It's Friday people which means nights out on the town or a couple of days of fun and relaxation from the toils and troubles of work. It's that Friday feeling and I've got it (even though I have work tomorrow and am doing no drinking), but I feel good for no real reason other than it is Friday. Hopefully you are feeling the same and if not you should be otherwise I'll be round to have words (unless there is a genuine reason).

So now I'm feeling good and all excited thought I'd take the time to share a few things with you that I have noticed and have made me wonder about recently.

First of these is that the majority of men between a certain age will crush a can of coke, pepsi or whatever before they throw it in the bin. Why do we as men have this uncontrollable urge to crush the can? Is it some sort of hidden macho test of strength between men? 'Now I have drunk this drink I shall crush this flimsy thin metal can with pure brute force and my bare hands. Then I shall rip this paper bag into a million pieces for I am man and uncontrollably strong. Garghhhh!!!!'
It would be more impressive if a bloke was to crush a metal household bin with just the palms of his hands then rip up the Yellow Pages with his teeth.

Second thing is something that a friend pointed out but I do as well. It is the strange action of leaning into a corner when you walk around it. If your not sure what I'm on about, imagine playing a racing computer game and normally you lean in the direction of where your steering the car to. You do that lean as you walk around a corner. I don't know why I do this and don't think I ever will but only explanation I can muster is that sub-consciously I am imagining myself as a race car and therefor have to takes corners like a race car. Having to weave in and out of people and hug the corners to enable the best racing line. I don't do it all the time but if it starts to become more regular I may have to start walking round looking like The Stig, either him or the Zovirax person.

Feeling Hot, Hot, Hot!!!

2009-06-02T13:45:00.000-07:00

Hello again, it has been awhile & hope you have all missed me :)

Now what has been going on lately?? Well firstly is the inhumane amount of hot, sunny weather we have had over the past week. Now I'm not saying that hot, sunny weather is bad, on the contrary I love the sun, the clear skies & the mint chocolate chip ice creams that come with it. But it is the heat that I can't stand, I don't cope well with the heat and have spent the last week seemingly melting away what little weight I have.
Whether it's at work where our heat has packed up and is blowing hot air onto the shop floor or if I'm at home stuck in my stuffy little room with no windows (or the oven as I call it) I just seem to be hot all the time. As much as I hate to say it, I can't wait for this good weather to disappear and a bit of cold wet weather to return. After all isn't that what we're supposed to have here in England??

Also I have made new friends, got a HD tv (yay!!!), going on a double date and been out more times in last 2 weeks than the whole of this year. :)

The positive thinking also seems to be fading so am going to try and concentrate on getting back on track with that.

And finally I wonder for the intelligence of this country sometimes. What has lead me to this is something said by the presenter of Crimewatch. Whilst talking to the wife of a man who was killed by two guys, she was asked:
"It's been a year now and they've not been caught, how do you feel about that?"

Now I'm not being funny but what did the presenter expect her to say back; "I feel great about it, fair play for them for evading the police for the past year and thanks for killing him he was a complete bastard".

It's obvious to anyone with a brain that she's not going to be happy about it or feel good about it so why ask???

Who do you think you are?

2009-05-20T09:42:00.000-07:00

Before you start thinking it, this isn't going to be a tediously long back story of my family and where I descended from. Instead something I feel I need to get out of my head.

So today I have been in a considerably bad mood, a little bit down and depressed. This happens every now and again and when it does it usually leads to my brain thinking about things and questioning them. Today it was 'Who am I?'.

To elaborate my mind started to question what my real personality is, if you were to take me out of all social status's and situations, what would I really be like? Would I like this me? Would other people like this me?
I started questioning whether underneath it all I really am a kind, caring, sensitive, funny, happy guy or am I just subconsciously putting on this all on as some kind of act in order to get people to like me and want to be my friend, without me resorting to sheepishly following them around in the hope that they might start talking to me.

I have various different personalities depending on who I'm with and/or what I'm doing and I kind of feel that I don't quite know which one is the real me. At work I'm a fairly quite, keep myself to myself kind of person unable to start or hold a conversation most the time, yet with my sisters I'm a loud, funny, life and soul of the party kind of person.

I'm effectively just too different and need to stick to one kind of person, not chop and change to suit the needs of the person I'm talking to. But mentally I can't do that, I strive to much on the happiness of others whilst taking no regards of my own happiness or needs. I've been this way for too long now and am unsure if I am able to change it.

Maybe my mind is just taking everything out of context but only time will tell really. I could go on about a million other things but you've either go bored by now or have stopped reading so I'll stop.

On a lighter note I had something happen to me today that I never thought would happen; I was used by a mum in an attempt to get her child to behave.
What happened was there was a kid crying his eyes out probably having a paddy over something and as I walked nearer I heard the mum of this kid say: "The man is looking at you thinking that your a naughty boy".
Now to be honest I wasn't thinking this, "The Man" was actually thinking that he could do a better job with the kid than the mother was attempting lol

Rambling Allsorts

2009-05-11T11:15:00.000-07:00

Hello my Peeps (never thought I'd say that but can't think of another way of starting it)

Now onto the blogging and this is going to be fairly short, snippets of my ramblings so lets get on with the show :P

First up is Mobile Phones and the fact that phone companies are just a bunch or robbing gypos. They won't let you buy a brand new phone, instead you have to sign up to a ridiculously expensive contract and when your time is up they won't simply let you end your contract. Instead they try every to keep you in the contract, the only they don't seem to resort to is kidnapping and blackmail. I think it's unfair that they treat us like crap just because they have something that almost everyone wants/needs. I have a new phone now and it's on a reasonable contract, which proves that they aren't all that bad.

Secondly, I was told I was just like every other bloke the other day. I took offence to this and showed the person that said it my Man based blog entry on here. I spoke to this girl today who said to me that she was wrong about me and that I was a man who thinks like a woman lol

Thirdly I have took a 2nd job in my local Co-op like shop. It's not ideal because it means I won't be seeing my beautiful girlfriend as much, but if this job means we can afford a place together then it's more than worth it. Had my first few hours working there today and it was ok, not really difficult or boring.

And Finally, anyone else notice that if you go in the Kitchen and forget what you've gone in there for, you go and look in the fridge???

The Online Pub

2009-05-03T12:18:00.000-07:00

I am a little bit late with this by hey nevermind, been busy :)

So what have I been up to lately??? Well I've been out to the pub more times in the past month than I think i have in the past year, which is a very good thing. I was at the pub on Sunday with my mate Dave from work, we had a bit of a chin-wag and a couple beers and altogether added up to Good Times.

After the pub I come home and joined what I like to call 'The Online Pub'. A Online Chat Room site, as recommended by my attractive friend Miss P ;) So I joined, entered all my details and filled out my profile and let myself out into the chatroom jungle.
Within 10 mins I had 2 different guys talking to me, then a couple more and then he started talking to me. Now 'he' was an almost 40 year old man who was asking how I was, what I did for a job, general basic questions, and then he asked me if I had a webcam. It then dawned on me what was happening, this man was gay and I had the overwhelming feeling that I was being groomed & preyed upon by an old man.

Now I had the stereotypical view that only small children and women were the only ones that were preyed upon by older men, yet I was clearly wrong and sat there being preyed on by this older gay man. Now I know I might be being a little bit dramatic but it genuinely felt like that to me. Although it wasn't until another guy I was talking to (who wasn't a freak or weirdo) pointed out to me what I'd filled out wrong, which was why all these guys were talking to me. So I changed the setting and thus far haven't had one guy talk to me in the hope that I am gay.

Even now as I write this a 29 year old woman is repeatedly calling me Boy even though I'm not that young compared to her.

But I have now been on the site for about 3/4 days, I'm starting to get used to it and all of Miss P's lovely friends in their little chat room and the experience is getting better by the day.

Other than that I had a lovely ice-cream and pub dinner with my girlfriend and her best friend and then work again today which was fun lol

So I think that's it, don't really have anything to rant about at the moment, so I shall leave you with this:

No matter how old or what sex you are, be careful in the online jungle cos although there are a load of nice people, there are weirdos out there and there are looking for you.

Status Update

2009-04-29T11:53:00.000-07:00

It is now Day 3 of my 'Patch Adams' way of think and the general opinion is that is going considerably well. Monday I was in a positive mood and had a good day. Tuesday I decided to make 'Ask Me Anything Day', which went down very well and made me feel good about myself for the first time in long while.
I have had a few hiccups though in the shape of a bunged up nose and a bad back, but they've not been enough to ruin my generally good experiences of this new way of thinking. As JLC would say: "Good Times".

Also on an additional note has anyone else noticed that when a bloke breaks something there are mainly 2 responses.

The first being that he will freeze in the position he was in at the moment the item broke, in the hope that if he stays still no-one will see him and assume that it broke by itself.

The second being that if he's with a group of blokes, especially if they are helping him the item, that when the item breaks they all run in opposite directions, scattering like naughty school boys who have just broke a window.

The Next Patch Adams

2009-04-26T11:13:00.000-07:00

Now if you didn't already know this about me, I spend a large majority of my time listening to other peoples problems, lending a helping hand, a shoulder to cry on and helping as much as I can. This is me, I do this because I like to help people and all the while my own problems take a back seat ride & are generally forgotten. I concentrate & get myself all worked up about others problems while mine are repeatedly forgotten & pushed aside until my head is swimming with problems that I reach a breaking point & I go into meltdown.

But I have realised that I need to change the way I do things, to stop worrying so much about other peoples problems, and to a degree my own. I need to stop being so serious, so quiet, so shy and un-confident. After watching it for the about 10th time the other day, I have realised that I need to be more like Patch Adams.

I need to stop taking life so seriously & lighten up a bit, have a laugh and look for the positives in situations and not the negative like I normally do. I know that I am a quirky, odd, funny, random kind of guy and for lack of a better word a complete fruit loop. I am more than capable of having the happy, positive personality but it's my lack of self-confidence that is holding me back.

But starting tomorrow (this could be the 5th time I've said this) I going to change, going to look at life in the Patch Adams way. If I make a fool out of myself and someone doesn't like me then so be it. Life is the longest thing any of us will ever do and we'll only do it once. It shouldn't be taken so seriously and it's time I started living that way, with constant humour in my mind.

Now on a last note, go out and watch Patch Adams. It's not the best film in the world but I think it's good and well worth watching at least once.

SC Johnson, a poor ass company

2009-04-21T11:23:00.000-07:00

The Above Video is the advert that has really annoyed me enough to write this little rant. In case you haven't worked out what I don't like about this advert I shall tell you. It is not the little boy, it is not the product & although it is annoying it's not the 'I want to do a Poo at Paul's house', it is the fact that the Advert is SOOO badly dubbed.

I have no idea how much it cost to make an advert but surely it doesn't cost that much to re-film an advert in English, i mean your going to be paying Voiceover artist so why not pay for an actor instead. It is just a easy way out and as a result you are left with an extremely annoying advert where none of the speaking matches up and looks very cheap and as if they can't be arsed to put any effort into it.

And surely English is the 2nd language to most of the countries in the world so why not make all the adverts in English and either broadcast them like that or dub them. But one thing I have noticed is that SC Johnson are the main culprits in this and have put out dozens of badly dubbed efforts thinking they are acceptable (almost all of them involving an annoying little kid). Other than SC Johnson the only other product I can remember using this kind of advertising is the Cremosa adverts and that was so badly dubbed I was more than willing to email them and offer to do their adverts for free.

Personally I think that if you're not going do an advert properly for the market you're trying to sell it to then don't bother.

Rant Over & I feel much better now :)

Why I hate it sometimes

2009-04-19T05:42:00.000-07:00

Now I've been thinking about how write this for a couple of days & now I've come to it I don't know how to word it so it's going to be whatever comes out of my head first.

The reasoning behind this rant is that I'm fed up with the Stereotypical views that women have of blokes. I know full well that there is a reason for this stereotype & its the men who are responsible for this that really get on my goat.

Women are meant to be respected & loved, not treated like a piece of shit on the bottom of your shoe. Men who constantly treat women like shit, always stand them up or knock them down deserve to be repeatedly kicked in the balls constantly until they realise what a complete dick they are being. I have had women talk to me about being treated like crap & I know of women who have been treated like crap & there is nothing I'd rather do then kick the crap out of the blokes in question because they deserve nothing less. If your not able to make a meeting or that then it's not to difficult to let the other person know but these men think it's acceptable to just not phone or text the women when it's not.

Men who are also extremely pervy and sleazy when they talk to women & think that women like that also fall into the same category. Now I'm not saying being a little bit cheeky isn't acceptable & for one will say that I am guilty of that at times, but I mean nothing of it & the women I talk to know that & accept that. Women are meant to be spoken in a polite, respectful and nice manner not like they are a piece of meat. I mean I try my best not to swear in front of a woman.

And any man that hits or even threatens to hit a women deserves to be on the receiving end of a beating themselves to say the least. Men who hit women or threaten women are the worst kind of blokes & are essentially cowards, who sometimes I feel don't deserve to be living at all.

It is the men who act like this who give decent, respectful & loving men a bad name. All to often now I'm hearing about how someone has been treated badly or hearing a woman saying that all men are bastards because yet another bloke has treated her terribly. It really gets my blood boiling & sometimes makes me want to bitch slap every bloke I walk past on the street just because I think they could be one of these blokes. The kind of guy who thinks only about himself & no-one else, as long as he is getting what he wants when he wants, everything else doesn't matter.

Now I'm not being big-headed or trying to make myself look perfect but I'm loving, nice, generous, I treat women with respect and as if there are the most important thing in the world. And everytime I hear about these pigs I feel that if every bloke was more like me then maybe the stereotypical bloke would be a better and brighter prospect.

I'm not saying that all men are like this because I know they are not & there are plenty of us good ones out there but it's all the bad ones that are giving us a bad name. Also I'd like to state that I believe that women shouldn't be behaving in this manner either.

But I know I'm not going to be able to change the general consensus of the entire nation regardless of how much I would like to. I've just got to put up with it, offer advice to all those that come to me and sit back wishing there was a way I could change it. Nevertheless it has taken me ages to write this & it might not seem to make much sense but I'm going to read back through it because I'll only be sat here for another couple of hours. I think I'm going to leave it at and with these last 2 things:

Women: We're not all pigs, there are some good guys out there and don't waste your time on the bad eggs.

And Men: Treat women with respect and not like crap because your not the most important thing in world and your not always number one.

Why I think it would easier sometimes

2009-04-14T09:28:00.000-07:00

So it's my 2nd blog & I'm getting the impression that this is going to be mainly me having rants about things. So onto my next topic & today it's women, which I'm fully away could land me into some kind of trouble or a backlash of arguments & comments made back at me.

After spending a small portion of yesterday morning wandering around Southampton city centre and looking around at everyone I have come to the conclusion that women are put there to annoy me & that sometimes I think it would be easier if I was a woman. (Note: I'm not a weirdo or anything just have a thing with looking at everything around so I know what is going on lol)

Firstly why I think it would be easier. Now I'm aware that women have to put up with some things like childbirth that are always used in the arguments over the fact us men have easy and I acknowledge and accept those points accordingly. But my reason that I think it would be easier to be a woman is that almost no matter what you wear you look good. Any time I walk around the town centre or any shopping centre I look around and see women & on average I'd say that 8 out of 10 of those women look good in whatever they're wearing, whether it's jeans & T-shirt, a skirt or a top & belt combo. Obviously there are those 2 out of 10 who are either really old, have no clue of fashion or are massively overweight and wearing clothes that are way to small.
Also women seemingly always seem to have the bigger sections in clothes stores, more stores available and a massively wider range of clothes to choose from. Yet I seem to have sod all different to wear & 9 times out of 10 I seem to look the same, unfashionable, stupid or like a chav. But I suppose that it could be that I'm just not experimental enough but personally I don't like half the clothes that they sell in men's clothing shops.
But I suppose that is the thing with fashion; it's not meant to be liked just meant to look good compared to everyone else.

Now onto why women annoy me & obviously there is the nagging but most the time it's for a purpose so I accept that. What annoys me is when I see couples out walking around and there is a gorgeous woman, who is walking hand in hand with someone who is uglier than me. Now this annoys me because before I got together with my better half not one woman like that even paid any attention to me yet I'm on average better looking and (not being big-headed) I've got a pretty good personality so why couldn't I have had any attention from girls like that. I know I'm probably being petty but there's a little niggly bit in the back of my head that still gets annoyed by seeing these people in the streets together.

I would like to add that although I am having this rant, I love my fiancée & I think she is beautiful, gorgeous & I wouldn't want anyone else in the world because she's perfect for me (well I say perfect nobody is perfect, not in the least me lol).

I feel that now would be a good time to stop due before I get myself into more trouble but one a last note I will be taking both sides of the story and one of my future blogs will be me slagging off men as well & I won't be holding anything back lol

The Disappointment of Getting Old

2009-04-12T14:22:00.000-07:00

So this is my first ever Blogspot Blog & I feel that it poignant that it be a bit of a rant all brought on by my visit to Chessington World of Adventures today.

So this morning whilst on the M3, me and my better half had a choice of three places to: Legoland, Thorpe Park or Chessington. After a bit of debate we decide that Legoland was mainly for kids, we went to Thorpe Park last year and neither of us had been to Chessington for many years so we picked that one and put it into the Tomtom and made our way there.

Now just quickly I do have to have a quick moan about the boggy marsh that they supposedly call a car park. Not only was it like a swamp but didn't have one 'way out' sign so was a lucky guess as to which way to go.

But anyway I'm deviating from the point. So after arriving we have a walk around all the areas that I remember from my last visit with my school, watched the people on the Log Flume & Rameses Revenge get wet before we decided to it was to cold to go on them and headed to the Vampire. So after an hour wait, we go on that and I struggle to stop myself from falling asleep (as my photo on the ride showed). After that it was a ride on the Big Pirate Boat and a walk around the Zoo part.

Now as you can read it wasn't a very interesting day which leads me to my main point and overwhelming sense of disappointment that comes with getting older and actually feeling old. Last time I went to Chessington I was 15 & in just 5 years a Theme Park I used to love has become a huge let down and made me feel a little bit depressed. That feeling you get when your walking around and realise that everything that was good has been changed so that it suits and appeals to children is not a welcome or good feeling.

Yet that one feeling starts bringing back loads of memories of other places you've been to now that your older and the dissappointment at how rubbish it is compared to when you were a kid (Science Museum & Beaulieu Motor Museum to name a few). It makes me think that more places should appeal to both kids and us Adults who wish to remain Big Kids.

If it wasn't for the little things like toy soldiers & the smell of Play-Doh that never cease to remind me of my youth and make me feel like a kid then I genuinely feel that I would have to accept responsibility and grow up.