An Epiphany

“Any change, even a change for the better, is always accompanied by drawbacks and discomforts.”

Arnold Bennett

The majority of my posts on here have been negative, depressing updates about how I hate my life, my relationship status  wasn't going well, being single sucks, I'm clinically depressed, work is shit, you get the picture.  I think that it is fair to say that being single & the state of my love life have been one of the major factors in contributing to a large portion of this blog but recently I decided to give up on it all.  I decided to give up on looking for a girlfriend, to give up on online dating & to give up chasing people that I know deep down I can never have.  I did that & life presented me with something magical, amazing & a little bit cruel.

What happened was a short while ago I went to see a friend who lives in Manchester, while there I met a friend of her's who is a woman & for the purposes of this blog we shall call her Miss X.  Now initially we didn't speak that much in person which was in a large part my fault; it's no secret that I'm incredibly shy when meeting people for the first time.  Since then we have been talking loads of Twitter, texting & various IM-based applications.  We've got to know each other better & talk in a more relaxed & one-to-one way that we couldn't when we met in person & we've got on really well.  And I'm going to say something now & I don't care who reads it, I don't even care if Miss X herself reads this; I really, really like her.

She is stunningly beautiful, funny, kind, caring, hell you know what I honestly can't think of words to describe just how amazing she is.  I know we've not been talking for that long but sometimes your brain (& more importantly your heart) just clicks & knows that what your feeling is right & that's how I feel about her.  But as this is me & it can't be simple, it has to be largely complicated & it is.  You see Miss X is already in a relationship, one that I don't want to get in the way of or be the reason why it hasn't worked out for them.  Not only that but she happens to live quite a fair few miles away from me which also presents yet another problem.  Initially distance isn't that much of a problem as I have a car or there are trains to get there but then it falls into whether or not I have the money to travel & I think many people know I'm not responsible in that area.

A large part of me wants this to go somewhere, to end up dating & if it works out getting into a more serious relationship. If that was the case then I would deal with certain obstacles when it came to it.  For once in my life though my head is one straight, it's not all messed up & not knowing what to think.  Miss X is in a relationship & if that works out I don't get the chance then so be it, that's her decision & I would wish her the best with it.  On past occasions such as this, I would have crumbled if that was the case, slipped further into depression & cried myself to sleep for a few nights in a row.

Maybe this could be the start of a new chapter in my life, a new woman in my life but inadvertently I've realised that blog also has another message.  The message that maybe right here, right now I am finally starting to win in the war against my depression.